In respect for (and in the best past tradition of ) a Mr. Cranky Movie review I'm giving this year's TDF Versus TV coverage a bundle of dynamite:
"So godawful that it ruptured the very fabric of space and time with the sheer overpowering force of its mediocrity."
Can you finish this sentence, "For the perfect balance of fuel efficiency and power...."?
Only if you can finish this sentence can you call yourself a true TDF fan. And that would be anybody who watched at least 7 minutes of this year's tour since Versus ran this Saab Commercial so many times that by Stage Two of the TDF I was ready to stick a pointy screw driver in my ear and give it a violent shove every time I turned on the tour.
And speaking of Versus commercials, I must confess that after watching the TDF, I really want to go for a quick bull ride, followed by blasting a few hapless ducks out of the air, before I go take on the extreme cage in a quick and violent fight to the death.
To be less erudite (and even less polite) I'm really wondering why Versus even carries the TDF. It seems to be a bit like the cartoon network airing the uncut version of the Sopranos. Sure, the word "sport" can appear in conjunction with duck hunting, cage fighting, bull riding and cycling, but you would have to drink enough beer to pass out in your comfy chair to actually sit through any coverage that combines the first three with the last.
And speaking of beer, do women and minorities drink it as well? Because last time I checked not only do women and minorities drink beer, but I suspect that they also watch the TDF.
BTW: That's a freebie to you guys at Versus central.
However, you'd never suspect this fact by the all macho, all male, all white, all pre-pubescent boy coverage of the TDF. I know that the producers of the TDF might actually have to look around a bit to find a women or even a non-white guy, but last time I checked (that would be this weekend) I saw plenty of women who ride as well as even a minority or two.
But than again if you actually had a women in front of the camera you'd have a hard time making all of those "funny" pre-coverage jokes and bets that the boys in the booth like to make before the day's coverage starts.
I know for instance that last's year's "winner" of the tour has been legally implicated in the Spanish investigation of doping in cycling. And I'm sure that even Versus must be aware that his team was banned from this year's tour because the entire team was, and still is, under a cloud of deep suspicion by Spanish authorities and the TDF organizers. Yet somehow doing a serious report on these facts seems to escape the ability of the Versus producers. (You'll note that I took a page from the Versus book of tour coverage and left out all of the relevant facts from above just to keep it "real" for you)
I suspect this is because it is much easier and certainly less controversial to just sit on the sidelines and wave the pompoms while praising the valor and incredible courage of the riders as they (yawn) piss on the local French shrubbery, or (yawn) ride the down the highway trying not to crash into each other.
Some of you may think that I'm being a bit unfair to the Versus coverage, but I ask you, have you seen anything but cheer leading or boyish admiration for the top riders? Have you even seen any hard hitting coverage that really gets to the question as to why so many riders cheat?
I saw a lot "inside" coverage of the team cars with lot's of great insights like the team leader yelling on the team radio to the riders, "You are doing great" and "keep it up tiger" and "tear it up" over, and over, and over again.
But I did not see one story between the cage fighting, Saab hawking, bull riding and duck killing, commercials that dealt with doping in cycling in any real or substantive manner. Yet doping is the one fact that has defined the tour the most over the last two years.
And that's a shame because between the all-boys jolly cheer leading club and the insipid commercialism of both the tour and Versus there is a real drama playing out in cycling today. The future of the sport of cycling hangs in the balance. For it takes real courage (I suspect more than climbing an Alp Stage) to say no to the drugs and complete on an honest level in this truly magnificent sport.
There are real heroes and villains in the sport of cycling, but it would take courage and some hard work and investigative reporting to dig them out. They are hiding in plain view on the road and in the team hotels.
The villains are especially easy to find as they have been pointed out by a few brave riders who have gone on the record to document a systematic approach to cheating in cycling. Yet these riders are cast out by the sport and the UCI for "pissing the soup."
There is real drama in the sport, but you would never know it by watching Versus.
Instead, Versus gives us bobble heads, endless nausea inducing Saab commercials, mindless team car coverage, well worn cycling cliches and a reporting and commentary team that looks like something from a "Leave It to Beaver" episode.
Than again I could be completely wrong and just a bit Cranky today as I miss the tour. But come to think of it, the only reason I could even watch the race was because my Tivo let me skip all of the crap, and there was lots of it, and go right to the good parts.
I know how Versus could make more money. Just run a Tivo commercial that goes," For the perfect balance of live coverage and our crap...buy a Tivo!"