EverymanTri.com

Going Long...Very Long

Shannan Garcia just completed her first marathon and iron distance triathlon. This in itself is a great accomplishment, but consider that she had never done a triathlon of any distance before and you get the idea that she’s jumped into endurance sports with both feet.

Why? Because she loves going long, and she’s raising money for Team in Training. If you would like to help her out just click HERE to visit her Blog.

Her coach also loves the long races. Karl W. Keltner, or Koach Karl as he’s known, has completed 37 marathons, 16 ultras and 3 Ironman triathlons. He has also been the Head Coach for the Mid-America Chapter of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training program since 1999 and has coached over 1400 walkers and runners successfully to the marathon finish line.

I recently had a chance to talk with both of them about Team in Training and what it is like to go the ultra distance. Koach Karl will soon be competing in a double iron distance race and he’s done the 135-mile Badwater race (donned the World’s Toughest Footrace) in death valley twice.

Do you want to know what it is like to go that far?

This is the 30th Everyman Triathlon Endurance Podcast. There are several ways to subscribe to the show. You can click on the link below and use Yahoo.com.

You can go into iTunes and:

1) Click on the podcast link in the upper left hand corner of iTunes,
2) Click on the Podcast Directory link on the bottom of the page,
3) Now just use the search box located in the bottom left corner of the music store to locate Everymantriathlon and subscribe to my podcast.

The advantage of this is that you'll automatically get every show episode once I add it to iTunes.

Or you can listen (here and now) to the interview by just clicking the play tab below, or click on the link to the MP3 file and download it to your favorite iPod or MP3 player.


MP3 File

The Night Before

The shrill call of the alarm kicks me out of my sound slumber. I’ve finally fallen asleep and now at four in the morning I stumble out of bed and think to myself, “Exactly why the heck am I doing this?”

It’s always the same for me no matter what the race. It can be a marathon, a triathlon, or century ride, but when 4:00 A.M. eventually rolls around and I’m stumbling through some strange hotel room, in the coldest part of the morning, I start to seriously question why I don’t just take up golf.

Imaging being able to roll up to the country club at 10:00 A.M. and have a helpful and courteous man takes your clubs to an electric golf cart that comes complete with 800 beer holders.

All you have to do is ride up to the first Tee, gently swing a club, and wait for the beer girl to bring by the libation, and perhaps a Snickers Bar for the long ride up the first fairway.

Instead I’ve just stubbed my toe on the hard corner of the gloomy bed while I dig around in my bag in the semi-dark for my race number belt.

It’s always like this no matter what the race. The night before is always the worst. To start with we go to some restaurant that promises all you can eat pasta.

Why pasta?

Because sometime just before the First World War, and during the ice age of running somebody decided that pasta was the official pre-race food.

Why?

Because it is a well known fact that Philippides (the messenger sent from the plain of marathon to Sparta for help, and even though he was Greek), just loved pasta. He loved it so much that during his famous 150-mile run he stopped at every pizza joint along the way and ordered a triple helping of the stuff.

Sadly his legacy remains, so today we must all strap on the pasta feedbag before every race. Not only does it make us feel like we’re Olympic Athletes, but here in Boulder (where we have lots of races) it accounts for 50 percent of the Olive Garden’s net profits.

By far the worst part of the pre-race dinner is that we can’t have any alcohol, and boy do I need it. I’m already nervous. Not because I know I’m just hours away from my A race, but because I know I’m about to try something that very few athletes in the world have ever accomplished. That would be to fall asleep early on a race night.

I dutifully head back to the hotel room at like 7:00 P.M. and jump in bed. Six hours later I’m still awake having watched 4 hours CNN and the weather channel. I’ve also managed to try to fall asleep in every sleep position known to mankind, and that includes the way the ancient Egyptians used to sleep with a curved wooden dowel under their necks. No kidding…Google it.

I’ve been to the bathroom a total of 9585 times since I drank 9585 glasses of water at dinner. And I’ve manages to tangle myself up in those freakin’ hotel room bed sheets in such a way that Houdini would not be able to escape the vise-like grasp of the bed.

So if you do the math, and believe me I have not, that means that I fell into a deep slumber at about 3:35 A.M. which means I have a grand total of 25 minutes of sleep before the alarm wakes me up.

And now it is time to again try something that very few, if any, athletes have ever managed to do. And no I’m not talking about an Ironman. An Ironman is a piece of cake compared to the torture of trying to make yourself go to the bathroom when you don’t have to. And just to be very clear here I’m talking about number two.

Because if you don’t go now, you know that the second the race starts your bowls will defiantly try to explode.

I remember the start of this year’s Moab half marathon. The race starts well up a canyon with only about 50 port-a-potties at the start. Now 50 may seem like a lot but not when compared to thousand racers with defiant bowls.

The race start resembles a huge life-sized-bang-a-mole game. The bang-a-mole game is a kid’s Chucky Cheese favorite. These little moles pop out of their holes and the crazed kids bang them with a giant mallet.

It’s the same way at the start of the Moab half marathon. Dozens of racers at the start are squatting behind boulders and bushes with only the tops of their sweaty heads poking out. Their red face and beady little eyes taunt you mercilessly….if I only had a giant mallet and a bunch or quarters?

It is this type of thinking that spurs me to do my duty in the hotel but alas, as I’m sure you must know, this is a fool’s mission. The body will of course wait until the start of the race, which happens to perfectly coincide with the time we normally wake up.

Exiting the bathroom I am left with one main task. The pre-race breakfast. After years of racing I now know exactly what I should and must eat before a big race.

It is tempting to switch my routine to something from the hotel’s breakfast room…so I do. It’s funny how the temptation of a free muffin and coffee can potentially ruin an entire race that I’ve trained for over the past year.

Perhaps it is because I’m not thinking too clearly after just 25 minutes of sleep. Or perhaps it is because I’m an age-group racer and perhaps a muffin and coffee are just what I need to get me through the race.

Join Team raceAthlete & Train & Race like Pro in 2007

You can train and race like a professional in 2007.

Team raceAthlete in conjunction with CycleOps Power, Zipp Speed Weaponry, BMC Bicycles, D3 Multisport, NUUN and 2XU will showcase the improvements that can be achieved through world class equipment and training by sponsoring age-group triathletes.

The chosen triathletes will get state-of-the-art PowerTap SL's by CycleOps Power to help them train and monitor their progress with ultimate power and
efficiency.

Swiss based BMC bicycles will provide them with proven bicycle technology-the TTO2 Time Machine which is very similar to the bike ridden at the Tour de France.

Zipp Speed Weaponry will provide world class speed and aerodynamic wheels and components. These are the same wheels ridden by champion tTriathletes like Peter Reid.

D3 Multisport will provide comprehensive coaching and training plans for the athletes to help them with expert advice and today's most cutting edge training tools for peak performance.

2XU apparel will provide state of the art training and racing apparel to help propel the athletes to the winner's circle.

NUUN will provide one year's supply of refreshing portable electrolyte hydration.

For complete details, to join the team and to apply to get sponsored Click HERE.

Please note that if you have already joined Team raceAthlete, or emailed your interest in getting sponsored, you still have to submit a new application by clicking on the link above.

Sponsored triathletes will be chosen by Team raceAthlete and notified by email or phone by October 23, 2006.

We're building a real and virtual team of endurance athletes that will have exclusive access to online coaching, a bike mechanic, product discounts and promotions, and other valuable resources.

Jump in with both feet, the water is warm. We want you on our team in 2007. Click HERE to join.

Here's the skinny on the sponsorship opportunities.

This is the first "race like a professional" package will go to somebody registered for IM Wisconsin 2007.

However (the cherry on top) is that we are also seeking other athletes (who don't have to be signed up for IM Wisconsin) to partially sponsors with great products and services from our main sponsors. This means that everybody is eligible.

Also, we'll be selecting another athlete to fully sponsor toward the end of the year. If you fill out the sponsorship form and you are not chosen this time, you'll be in the running for the next "race like a professional" package.

Good luck and thanks for joining us on the exciting new journey.

Swimming your way to a lighting fast Ironman

Today Wolfgang Dittrich coaches triathletes and swimmers. But it wasn’t all that long ago that this former German national swim team member came in 3rd in Hawaii at the Ironman world championships in under eight and a half hours.

Wolfgang knows how to go fast. He also knows that the fundamentals to getting good at triathlon are mastering the swim.

Click HERE to listen, or download, or subscribe to the podcast now.

I recently had a chance to ask him about how his experience swimming for Germany has helped him to teach the younger generations of aspiring triathletes.

You’ll want to listen to this interview if you are struggling with your swimming or you just want to improve your swim times.

You can email Wolfgang by clicking HERE to ask any follow-up questions of this great transplanted German Coach.

You can go into iTunes and:

1) Click on the podcast link in the upper left hand corner of iTunes,
2) Click on the Podcast Directory link on the bottom of the page,
3) Now just use the search box located in the bottom left corner of the music store to locate Everyman Endurance Podcast and subscribe to my podcast.

The advantage of this is that you'll automatically get every show episode once I add it to iTunes.

Or Click HERE to listen, or download, or subscribe to the podcast now or just click the Photo of Wolfgang below:

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Visit the Widget Gallery

Thought of the Day

When man invented the bicycle he reached the peak of his attainments. Here was a machine of precision and balance for the convenience of man. And (unlike subsequent inventions for man's convenience) the more he used it, the fitter his body became. Here, for once, was a product of man's brain that was entirely beneficial to those who used it, and of no harm or irritation to others. Progress should have stopped when man invented the bicycle. ~Elizabeth West

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry

A Dash of the Vapors

I opened my mail box yesterday, saw the package from the Chicago Triathlon, and swooned.

Yes actually swooned, like the starlets did in those 1930 movies when they would see a man's bare navel and say things like, "Oh I must have a dash of the vapors!"

So I swooned, and recovered, and tore into the package.

It contained the following:

1) Pair of large IM branded socks
1) Pair of small Speedo goggles
1) Gatorade water bottle
1) Winner's medal

When I saw the medal I swooned again. You will notice the subtle, but for me, very important difference between the two medals.

Mine says "WINNER"!

So what if I only took second place in the Clydesdales category of big old men. I did it in the biggest triathlon of the world, and next year I got my sights set on the top position.

I better stop writing...Oh my, I think I may have a dash of the vapors.

And another one down, another one gets the bug

As you probably know, I've recently been doing some thinking about why we tri?

It's a funny thing this week's topic because the answer came all of a sudden in an email from my book's publisher.

She sent me the email (below) from Larry who just did his first triathlon in VA Beach. My publisher sent a copy of My Training Starts Tomorrow to him when she heard he was training for a tri.

If you read his email and take a look at the photos you'll clearly see the beginning of a lifelong addictions to the sport of triathlon.

He's definitely caught the bug.

All the classic symptoms are in place. He's got an old bike that he clearly wants (and I would say needs) to upgrade. He did his homework by bringing along a bucket of water for the sand for his feet AND he read my book (this shows he's been thinking about the sport in his spare time).

He almost crashed on the bike which gave him a great adrenaline rush. He likes the transition from the swim to the bike to the run. And most importantly of all he certainly wants (and I know he will) do better at the next race.

I would say that those are the classic symptoms of catching the triathlon bug.

Congratulation Larry on your first race. You did great!

And don't fret about catching the bug. We all have it. It's not so bad once you get use to the lack of sleep.

Please keep me posted on your future races.

From Larry:

I had a blast in the Triathlon! It was an interesting experience to go from one activity to another. The surf was a little tougher than I thought it would be. Out of 725 entrants, 458 completed the event with most dropping out because they couldn’t finish the swim. I swam a bunch of breast stroke instead of crawl because I only practiced breathing on the left side and I kept coming up for air as a wave was coming in. I think I had the oldest bike there.

Wow, what a lot of nice bikes! My time was not too great, 397 out of 458. Here are some photos to give you an inkling of what it was like.

I said I wanted to finish smiling.

Here is my antique bike. I had a bucket to wash my feet at T-1. I think I had the only bike with a kickstand and a back rack.

I did see two other nice new bikes with flat tires. One guy was on the side of the road changing his tire. The other one blew out and the tube came out right in front of me. It locked his rear wheel up (we were doing about 20 mph at the time) and I had to swerve around him.

See how far out the waves were breaking. The buoy was out about 25 yards from shore.

I’m ready to go again. Now that I have a better understanding of what to expect, I would plan to training more for the next one.

The tri book gave me a good feeling about what to expect. I found it very helpful. I liked it where he talks about why is this called a sprint when it takes a long time to complete.

Larry Saunders

To email Larry click HERE

Fun Stuff

Extreme Endurance Runner Dean Karnazes (www.endurance50.com) will running 50 marathons in 50 states. Here’s the skinny from the local paper, The Boulder Daily Camera:

“Running 50 marathons — that's 1,310 miles — in 50 days, one in each U.S. state, is, to say the least, a daunting prospect. But that's what Dean Karnazes, ultrarunning's first bona fide media celebrity, plans to do starting Sunday, including a Sept. 24 stop at the Boulder Backroads Marathon.

In truth, Karnazes, 43, isn't too worried about the running part.

After all, last year he ran 350 miles nonstop in 81 hours. This spring and summer, in preparation for his "Endurance 50" attempt (sponsored by The North Face), he casually reeled off an impressive training plan, winning the 100-mile Vermont Endurance run as well as running a passel of marathons and ultras, including Boston and Big Sur (which he ran twice, just for kicks), the Western States 100, the Leadville Trail 100, and the 135-mile Badwater stroll through blistering Death Valley in mid-July.

Also, he's been working with Lance Armstrong's Aspen-based coach, Chris Carmichael.

So no, Karnazes is not really worried about the running part.

But recovery, now that could prove nettlesome.

"The challenge will be to run at a clip so I can get to the next state in time, but not too quickly that I can't recover by the next morning," says the effusive Karnazes by phone from his home in San Francisco. "It's hard to say where that will wash out."

Where a sizable majority of citizen marathoners these days are hard-pressed to finish under 41/2 hours, Karnazes figures he can run his 50 marathons in a 3:45- to 4:30-pace, and "the next day get up and feel like I'm pretty recovered."

Then there's the question of logistics. Karnazes will be traveling mostly by bus with his family and a crew of drivers, so he'll have plenty of time to chill out. Even so, imagine finishing a marathon in Albuquerque at, say, 11 a.m. on Oct. 8, greeting fans, climbing on the bus, traveling 650 miles — so figure about 10 hours — to Tulsa, then waking up early to run another marathon there. Day after day, with variable trip lengths.”

Your Race Results

Recently I received this very nice email:

“My name is Troy Busot. I run a site called VirtuRace.com (www.virturace.com).

We have been compiling results mainly from North America from the past few years. We have nearly 6 million results in the system with the ambitious goal of providing complete coverage for all running (800 meter and above), swimming (mainly open water), cycling (crits and time trials), and of course triathlon/multisport.

If we are missing any of your results, please drop us a line and we will get them in there right away. We are adding some more social tools to the site over the next few weeks, but in the mean time, you can add photos from your events as well as manage your results directly.

By the way, I have been listening to your podcasts nonstop for the past 14 hours and I’m hooked. I just finished the Mark Allen interview – great job. I’ll be grabbing a copy of your book when things slow down a bit (no time to read as I’m sure you can understand!)

Great job again – keep up the good work.”

So I checked out his site and guess what? It has results from my long forgotten races…way cool! Check out your own former race results by clicking HERE.

Search Inside

And speaking of my book, Amazon just added the feature where you can look inside the book. Check it out by clicking HERE.

If you like what you see and you want a signed copy of my book you can get one from me by clicking HERE.

Not only will I sign the book for you, I’ll also inscribe it with your name. And unlike your computer, the book can be read anywhere without the use of a power cord, battery or Internet connection.

The ALS Warrior Poet

“It is better to be pissed off than to be pissed on,” John Blaze (AKA Blazeman) likes to say.

You may recall the Blazeman’s valiant race from last year’s Ironman world championships where John raced with ALS to raise money and awareness for his disease.

It has been almost one year since the Blazeman log-rolled across the finish line in Kona and I recently had the chance to catch up with him.

To hear the rest of his incredible journey just listen to the interview by clicking on the play tab below or visit the Blazeman’s web site by clicking HERE.

This is the 28th Everyman Triathlon Endurance Podcast. There are several ways to subscribe to the show. You can click on the link below and use Yahoo.com.

You can go into iTunes and:

1) Click on the podcast link in the upper left hand corner of iTunes,
2) Click on the Podcast Directory link on the bottom of the page,
3) Now just use the search box located in the bottom left corner of the music store to locate Everymantriathlon and subscribe to my podcast.

The advantage of this is that you'll automatically get every show episode once I add it to iTunes.

Or you can listen (here and now) to the interview by just clicking the play tab below, or click on the link to the MP3 file and download it to your favorite iPod or MP3 player.


MP3 File

Team raceAthlete Signature File

I got an email from John today asking about team RaceAthlete and how to join us in 2007. As you may know, we (by we I mean me and several other Bloggers and Podcasters) are putting together Team raceAthlete.

Click HERE for the press release.

Anyway John wanted to know more information about the team and his email contained this really fun triathlon signature file. A signature file can be just a small animated image that displays below your signature when you send an email.

The one John had was way cool so I email him and asked him if I could steal it.
This is what he wrote back:

"The animated gif is nice, isn’t it? Notice that the banner does not say “Finish.” Instead, it reads what you probably saw in Austria, “Ziel.” In other words, it must have been created by someone whose mother tongue is Deutsche. You’re welcome to steal it from me, as I stole it from the Kansas City tri club, and I’m sure someone there stole it from a European site."

So I did what any happy-go-lucky Blogger would do and I stole it, and changed it around a bit to promote raceAthlete.com

You are welcome to take it by clicking on the link below.

Once you see the image just right click (PC users) and save it to your desk top, and change it, or insert it into your email signature.

Download raceAthletesignature2.gif

Mid Week News

For those of you who listen to my podcast, you must be well aware that I'm always a bit dismayed at how little money professional triathletes earn. When you compare the best in this sport to any other endurance sport like running or cycling, the tiny pay day numbers are astonishing. Professional triathletes are some of the hardest working athletes in the world yet most must have a second job to pay the rent.

That's why I want you to sponsor Peter Vabrousek. Not only is he Czech like me, but unlike me he's talented and going to Kona. So for $5000.00 put your company name on his chest and help a worthy pro pay for his airfare to Hawaii.

A few weeks ago I interviewed legendary adventure racer Ian Adamson about his new race the 24-hours of triathlon.(basically a 24 hour triathlon) You can listen to the interview by clicking HERE.

The second Press Releas is an update on how that race turned out.

SPONSOR PROFESSIONAL TRIATHLETE PETR VABROUSEK FOR IRONMAN HAWAII AND SPONSOR A WINNER!


Petr is seeking sponsorship in his quest for the podium at Ironman Hawaii on
October 21, 2006. The race is televised in the US on NBC and has won numerous
Emmys for its coverage of this arduous event. If you sponsor Petr your company's
logo or website has a very good chance of being seen by millions on the show as well
as in newspapers and magazines all over the world.
Petr's resume includes:

1st Place Ironman South Africa

1st Place Ironman Asia

1st Place Slovakian Long Course (Iron Distance)

FOR YOUR INVESTMENT YOU WILL GET:

Logo on front and back of race jersey

Introduction of your company on the bodyzen.com and petr vabrousek website-
roughly 2500 new hits every day

Write up in bodyzen.com monthly E Letter to 25,000 Subscribers

Personal update email from Petr before and after the race
INVESTMENT: $5000.00US

For more info or to sign up please click HERE.

World’s First 24 Hours of Triathlon A Huge Success

BOULDER, CO, SEPTEMBER 10, 2006: The world’s first 24 Hours of Triathlon concluded at 12 noon to an enthusiastic crowd of onlookers. Athlete’s braved a variety of weather conditions to complete repeated laps of swimming, biking and running throughout the day and night. The short course format (0.5/17/4) catered to professional and recreational competitors and highlighted the two Pro for a Day athletes, Iona MacKenzie and Alfredo Matheus.

Iona MacKenzie of Golden, Colorado was the overall female winner and the fastest solo competitor at the event. Iona was the female Pro for a Day recipient, a prize awarded by event management. As Pro for a Day, Iona received all the luxuries reserved for factor sponsored athletes. She had full support for the event. With the extra attention, she rose to the occasion and completed 10 triathlon’s, covering a distance of 215 miles (5 swim, 170 bike and 40 run miles).

The men’s solo winner was Andrew Holton, of Pine, Colorado, with 9 complete triathlons. Each solo won $1,000. The fastest overall relay team was Go Fast! of Boulder (Adam Chase, Karen Melliar-Smith, Mike Inglis,) with 15 completed triathlons. Go Fast! cyclist set an individual personal record and the team blazed across 292.5 miles (approximately two Iron length triathlons). Go Fast! walked away with $3,000 for the 3 vs 3 Competition and the Co-ed 3 Person Team category.

“Great event, very well managed and athlete friendly.” Said Robert Sibley of Team Fast Forward B, “Everything was beautifully done, and the fan support at 3:00 am after a long run was REALLY encouraging. I will definitely be doing the event next year.”

Sponsors, resource partners and vendors provided exceptional support with athlete services, product and awards. Special thanks to Nike, Descente Athletic, GU, Princeton Tec, DeFeet, Eldorado Springs Water, Fuel Belt, Headsweats, Chipotle, Cartridge World, 3Bar, Colorado Multisport, Massage Specialists, FastForward Sports, Fleet Feet Sports and Nicole DeBoom of Skirt Sports.

“I am proud of the race this year.” said event producer Ian Adamson after the awards ceremony, “Without exception the competitors had fun, stayed safe and embraced the challenge with enthusiasm and camaraderie.” Developing this new race concept is an exciting step forward in triathlon and sport. “A big thanks to the City and County of Boulder, the Boulder Sheriff’s Department, Colorado State Patrol and the Boulder Reservoir,” exclaims Adamson. “We owe the permitting bodies an enormous amount of gratitude for their support in the efficacy and safety of the all-night competition.”

About 24 Hours Of Triathlon (24HOT) www.24HoursOfTriathlon.com: The World’s First 24 Hours Of Triathlon is the creation of Ian Adamson, seven time adventure race world champion, three time world record holder for endurance kayaking and Boulder resident. The 24HOT non-stop competition takes a new direction in endurance and multisport athletics, combining the popular swim-bike-run disciplines in a well supported venue. 24HOT is committed to providing an arena for group activity and a celebration of healthy lifestyles. The event supports First Descents and Mark Jones Relief Foundation.

Press images courtesy of 24 Hour Events and available for unrestricted use.

Ian Adamson
Event Producer
24 Hour Events LLC

Thought of the Day

Adventure isn't hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain.
Adventure is an attitude that we must apply to the day to day obstacles of life --
facing new challenges, seizing new opportunities, testing our resources against the unknown and in the process, discovering our own unique potential.
~John Amatt

The long and winding road

The long and winding road to any North America Ironman really begins with the registration process.

Like the race itself this is a long and sometimes painful process.

It took me 27 agonizing minutes and three browsers to sign up for Ironman Wisconsin this morning.

Let me guess?

Active.com has a 1999 HP server sitting in Jed’s basement handling the online registration.

While I’m sure that thousands of people were trying to sign-up. Let's be real here this is not American Idol voting numbers we’re talking about. They should have a server farm that can handle this sort of load…especially since they know it is coming.

It’s pretty funny how the mind works. How quickly it goes from not being sure it wants something to desperately wanting that thing in the beat of a heart…especially when that thing is in very short supply.

I talk to a lot of first time IM Newbies and they really spend a lot of time debating if they should sign-up for an IM race. They spend a lot of agonizing over this decision...as they should.

But the real question is not should I sign-up, but can I sign-up?

Today online registration for IM Moo (Wisconsin) closed in about an hour. That means if you had a meeting at work at 10:00 Central time you were pretty much out of luck.

This meant that several of my friends were unable to sign-up for the race.

They only have one chance, one race now; IM Flipper (Florida) if they want to race in North America next year. And that will sell out even faster as it is the easiest IM as well as the race of last resort.

“So question you have to ask yourself,” as Clint Eastwood is famous for saying is not “Do I want to do an Ironman, but can I get into an Ironman?”

I hope that this makes your personal decision process a bit easier.

Congratulations to everybody, who managed to sign-up for IM Moo. I’ll see you there.

And Good Luck to all of you still looking for a race next year. May the online registration Gods smile upon the first step of your long journey!

The Eighth Lemming

I have this theory that at any given time I can only remember seven technical procedures at the same time. You know like changing the clock in my car, or programming my VCR or DVR, or swapping out the screen saver on my computer.

The second I learn the eighth technical procedure, like how to set my cell phone from ring to vibrate, the very first procedure in line falls off the cliff into the ocean of forgotten crap.

So it was with a mixture of dread and trepidation that I along with a friend of mine set out to install the newish Cateye wireless computer on my wife’s bike.

Now I really only need or want about four readouts from my bike computer:

1) Speed
2) Time
3) Distance
4) Tire pressure

Of course nobody makes a bike computer that tells you tire pressure but wouldn’t it be a cool and useful feature to have on your bike. (I hope all you Cateye executives are paying attention here because a) that’s my great and free suggestion to you and b) I’m about to tear you a new one.)

Unlike me, my wife also really likes to know her padel rpm or peddle cadence as some of you may call it. And since I hate wires, I shelled out well over $100 U.S. smackaroos for the Cateye wireless bike computer that also measures padel cadence.

This little monster has something like 4000 buttons and 15 different readouts on 20 different screens.

To install it you will first need an artist painting stand. When you open the box you’ll be amazed to find this tiny folded piece of rice paper that folds out into a city map sized directions manual. And just to be clear here the scale on this foldout direction map would be about 1 to 1.

Once you unfold this treasure of Japanese origami you’ll need the painters stand to display these massive directions which come in every language including Swahili and several dialects of Latvian. Who knew they biked in Swahililand, or whatever that nation happens to be called this hour?

Anyway, once you locate the Queen’s English you will immediate be directed over to read the car owners manual sized instruction book that comes along with this beast of a bike computer. And when I say car owner’s manual, I’m including all those other warranty books and mystery pamphlets that come packaged with the car manual that nobody reads.

Once again you have to locate the Queen’s English in this baby Bible. Once you locate the correct section the fun really begins. The manual explains that you have to press a serious of buttons in a very specific order to get the sending unit and the receiving (head) unit talking to each other.

It took us about 1 hour to acquaint these two parts. Somehow we did it by a) pressing the bottoms in a completely random order, followed by waving a dead chicken in the air all the while reciting the pledge backwards, and promising to name our second born Cateye.

I suggest that if you buy this particular bike computer you also make a quick stop at the grocery store on the way home to purchase your dead chicken. It will save you a trip, plus make a tasty meal after hours of futile effort to properly install this device.

Anyway, we now had the two units talking to each other so we installed them on the bike. This process took about 2 painless minutes and I was ready to declare victory and get my wife’s knowing and satisfied admiration.

That’s when my friend noticed that the computer was displaying the speed and distance in kilometers.

This is a problem since we live in America and are bit set on the mile. If I had only known that it would be much easier to ascend Everest than change the Cateye to display miles, I may have spent the next several hours trying on crampons. Instead we dove into the abyss only to discover that this very expensive bike computer has so many functions as to even confound Einstein.

For instance, and I’m pretty sure about this, the eleventh screen (you can scroll through screens like on a cell phone) can be used to recalculate third world debt.

The twelfth screen, and I’m almost certain about this, is used locally by NCAR (National Center for Atmospheric Research) to analyze world weather patterns in the year 2080.

The fifteenth screen, and here I’m totally guessing, will calculate the number of drops of water in lake Michigan, if one drop equals one rotation of the front wheel, divided by your rpm while coasting down a 12 percent grade.

After many long hours of studying the Swahili section of the owner’s manual, and hitting every button in every possible combination, we happened to switch it over to miles when I accidentally dropped it from my tired and clammy hands.

* Post Script: My wife has now used the Cateye on several rides and she has yet to figure out how to reset it. I keep suggesting that she drop it into a garbage with enough force to teach it who’s boss.

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