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Everyman Triathlon Reader Warning:
This is a test of the emergency Everyman rant system. In the case of a real emergency (which this is) you will be told where to tune to for further updates. In this case you may consider visiting www.raceathlete.com for some of the web’s best endurance sports writers, bloggers and podcast.
Please note that you have been warned and the following is a serious rant not intended for younger or less mature readers.
There must be a special place in the deepest darkest inner circles of hell for car ucks. What is it about a dude or dudette on bike that brings out these ucks like flies to you know what.
Through years of cycling the public arteries of this vast country I’ve been able to place them into several different categories.
Honking Car ucks
So you are biking along, at a nice clip, on the side of the road, when some dumb uck car uck decides that this might be a good time to test his horn. Sitting behind the wheel of his or her highly insolated 6000-pound SUV the horn sounds like a far away mouse squeak. But to you it might as well be the blast of the Queen Mary departing on her first transatlantic journey.
Every time some dumb uck car uck decides to lay on the horn a few feet away from me, I nearly jump out of my skin. Are they being helpful or just dumb ucking stupid or ucking ignorant? I go with ucking ignorant because they certainly don’t lay on the horn every time they pass a pedestrian or stray raccoon. For some reason they feel the need to really scare the ucking piss out of me by blasting the horn as they pass.
Uck you too you dumb uck car uck!
Close ucking passing car uck
Let’s see the entire road in completely empty. The last thing that rolled down this particular country lane was a tumble weed in 1842, and yet the dumb uck close passing car uck feels the need to come within inches of my left elbow.
Here’s a fun game we can play you dumb car uck. What would happen if you really ran me off the road? Let’s pretend that your right side rear view mirror really did nail me at 45-mph, and I got sucked under your pick ‘em up truck.
How many ucking years do you think you’d spend in jail getting butt ucked by big furry faced Bubba? How many years would you spend having your wages garnered by my attorney’s before you’d even pay for the first day of my hospital stay.
You dumb car uck, you don’t think of that as you sit behind 6000 pounds of steal playing how close can I get to Mr. Goofy biker. Do you, you ucking uck?
Ucking barking Dog car uck
How cute is that? Your mongrel of a flea-bitten oversized rat likes to pop his head out of the passenger window just as you pass me and bark bloody murder. Here’s a suggestion for you...next time this happens why don’t you shut your passenger window, or better yet, why don’t you shut your dumb uck dog’s head in the passenger window? You can pull up on the window switch until your ucking mongrels eyes bulge out like two huge purple grapes.
I’m sure that it must be a complete surprise to you when your dumb uck dog lunges at every cyclist he sees as you drive down the road. I bet it puts a little smile on your face to see the startled cyclist as your dumb uck dog barks up a storm a few inches from the cyclist’s head.
You inconsiderate car uck. I hope that one day your dumb uck mongrel mistakes your late night boner for his favorite bone. Now I’d pay good money to seem him go to town on that bone.
This concludes the test of the Everyman Emergency rant system. We will return to our normally scheduled program tomorrow.
As a public service to your own sanity, please feel free to add you favorite type of dumb uck car ucks in the comments below.