Triathletes, now that we have established that cycling is mind-blowing old fashion and totally irrelevant, we’ll need something else to fill the void. So without any further delay here are a few ideas that I think you’ll like to take the place of the bike.
1) The Chariot: Call me old fashioned, but who can resist the thrill of a Sunday morning chariot ride. The wind in your hair, the wooden wheels as they bounce over the road, the tart smell of sweaty and flatulent horse butt. Yes this is a form of ancient transportation that will still make your fillings fall out. And best of all the Roman’s proved chariot racing to be a real sport.
I’m sure we all recall the heroic scenes from the movie Ben Hur as Charlton Heston fought with his chariot around a tight oval track. Think of it as Nascar without the beer and somewhat less horsepower. But what a way to exit the water.
There are of course certain possible downsides to the chariot. I could potentially be somewhat difficult to coax the horse on top of the car. I also have to be honest and admit that I don’t know how you would secure the beast once you got it up on the roof rack. But I’ll leave that to Thule to sort out.
Another possible downside might be seen by apartment and/or condo dwellers. I’m not sure what the HOA rules are, but I’m pretty certain a horse does not meet the pet HOA exemption.
Unless of course it is a mini horse, which might be considered a big dog given longer fake ears and a perkier tail. This would also necessitate the down sizing of the chariot, but on the up side it would certainly give new meaning to the Clydesdale division…especially if triathletes with big country homes and vast acreage actually used Clydesdales to pull their chariots.
2) The Segway: While the bike is certainly an outdated form of transportation, the Segway is brand new and exciting. And just like the bike it requires skill to ride…and it has two wheels. I would also image that it could be attached to the roof of car without using a carrot or apple as an incentive.
Furthermore the Segway can be pimped. I understand how much all of you like to have that special and unique bike and a horse really can’t be pimped without expensive genetic modifications. I mean maybe you could cross a horse with a snake to get that cool lowered look but I’m not really sure how well it would run.
However a Segway can easily be pimped. I can just imagine the countless modifications.
- Spinners on the wheels that just keep spinning long after you have stopped.
- Cool blue lights that illuminate the bottom of the machine for those dark early morning starts.
- Curb feelers and fuzzy dice hung from the handlebars.
- Air bags that raise and lower the Segway and/or make it jump.
- A classic painting on the side of a wolf howling at the moon.
- Stickers that proclaim, “If this Segway is not rocking don’t bother knocking: just mount up.”
- Huge wheels and a huge battery for that ultimate Segway crushing, curb jumping, wheeling making Big Toe…as it would naturally be called.
- Modifications to the battery pack that make it buzz really loudly.
- Satellite Radio and DVD player for the longer races or just to entertain the kids on the side of the course.
- Blooth, would be the Segway version of Blue Tooth connectivity for the cell phones.
The potential list is endless, and unlike the bike, you could actually form a bad ass posse of Segee riders. Think of Marlon Brando in the wild ones without all that needless motorcycle noise and exhaust smoke.
3) The Rascal: This powered wheel chair might be slow, but as our country is quickly aging it would be a great way to keep the growing number of us elderly triathletes in the sport. Plus just like the Segway, the Rascal can be pimped with chrome, leather tassels from the handlebars and leather side bags for the much needed race adult diapers, race denture cream and the Costco sized bottle of Viagra for any wild after race parties.
4) The Big Wheel: Do you remember how much fun you had on the big wheel? Well image no more as you sprint out of the water, tear off your wetsuit and mount your big wheel. It will be just like being a kid again except this time your mother won’t tell you to slow down as you zoom down the big hills.
The potential drawbacks include early leg cramps from trying to fit onto the Big Wheel and the questionable long-term reliably of the plastic wheels. But with a little judicious use of your leg power (you’d have to try not to spin the drive wheel) this problem can be solved.
So there you have it, four great ideas for a better and vastly improved triathlon.
But truth be told, (and if you read my previous open letter to cyclists) the best solution is right before your eyes. I am of course referring to the automobile. The advantages are many, as I have pointed out. So I humbly suggest that we replace the bike with the car. This way you have one less thing to bring to your next race.
But while we are it, why stop with the bike? I have done some long hard deep thinking about this, and I would suggest that we complete change the current triathlon format.
Instead of Swim, Bike Run…
Drum roll please…
Drive, Eat, Nap!
Not only does this new format lend itself to the more typical American lifestyle, but it is also certainly sure to capture a wider following. I mean just consider your next brick workout, and I think you’ll see the advantages right away.