Dear Cyclist
First of all I want to let you know how much I admire you for sticking with such an old and antiquated way of transportation. You deserve a huge round of applause for still doing something invented several hundred years ago and sticking with it through thick and thin, through rain and shine. And I mean that literally…through rain and shine.
You guys are all OK in my book for clinging to something that became old school (and by old school read old and completely irrelevant) the day Ford drove the first Model T out the doors of his shinny new factory.
Cycling is mind-blowing old fashioned and totally irrelevant
Consider some of the things that make driving a car a real pleasure. You get to see beautiful terrain. You’re going somewhere. You can use it both for entertainment and as a practical means of conveyance. You can talk with your friends while you’re doing it. The variety of the terrain means that you get interesting new challenges on a moment-by-moment basis. And perhaps most importantly, you don’t get wet, or tired, or hungry, or frozen, or run over, or stung, or sunburned, or sore, or wind blasted, or monkey butt doing it.
Here on the other hand are some things that can be said about cycling:
- Shaving: You need to shave your legs and/or perhaps your entire body. I’m really not sure how or why this stated, but it now seems to be required for anybody serious about his or her bike. I’m surprised they just don’t build a razor into the bike. That way you could use it to shave before you go out for a ride. It would at least be something new and innovative to come along to cycling in over a century.
- Two wheels: The modern bike is the technological equivalent of an outhouse. In technology terms, it is in essence the same as a hole in the ground and a bucket of warm water…so favored in the ancient cultures of this world. The bike has not changed since the first person crashed on it a few hundred years ago.
Those first bikes had two wheels, handlebars, a seat and pedals. Let’s see…surprise…today’s “modern” bikes have two wheels, handlebars, a seat and pedals. They can send a man to the moon, but they figure out a better bike.
- Bike Lust: What is it with you cyclist and bike porn. I know that you spend long hours on the bike with your genitals rubbing the thing constantly, but for heavens’ sake enough with the bike porn already. Instead of getting all hot and bothered by aluminum, and carbon fiber, why don’t you just turn to rubber and latex like the rest of us?
- Steroids: I can’t think of any other poster child better suited for ramped steroid use than cycling. Is it something about sitting on a hard bit of leather for hours on end that makes you want to stick a needle in your ass?
I was watching the discovery team during the tour and they have their own chef. His specialties are lovingly prepared meals that contain the freshest ingredients, in the perfect portions, seasoned with just the right amount of performance enhancing drugs. Yummy!
- Helmets: So I was also watching the IMAX movie called Wired to Win this weekend. It was produced by a group of brain surgeons. They followed a pro cycling team (I would tell you which one but I can barely pronounce the name, let alone spell it) as they prepared for the Tour De France a few years ago.
One of the very first scenes was of the team practicing how to take a high speed turn over and over again. Apparently somebody forgot to tell them that the movie was being produced by brain docs, as they couldn’t be bothered to wear their helmets going around a sharp downhill turn at breakneck speeds.
Here’s a suggestion for the team chef, instead of performance enhancing drugs, load up their next spaghetti meal with brain enhancing drugs.
- Two Words: Bob Roll
- Two More Words: Monkey Butt
- Two More Words: Monkey Balls (Ok, I’m not really sure if monkey's get sore balls, but cyclists certainly do)
- Two More Words: Lance Armstrong: Has this dude not had his 15 minutes of fame and then some. I’m getting a bit tired of hearing about him. He’s becoming like Bono from U2, just a bad media parody of himself. Lance, we get it, got it and, have it already, and so do you...so please let somebody else have the spotlight now.
- Two More Words: Sheryl Crow: Ditto
- Cyclist Body: Have you seen the ideal cyclist body? That would be a beanpole withered top part with two huge and massive stumps for legs...which, by the way, won’t fit into a normal pair of jeans. Now that’s a sexy look to be sure. And you don’t even want to know what happens to the manly bits after a season of steroid use. Just one more word: raspberries.
- Time: I’m don’t know about you but it takes hours to get anywhere on a bike. And when you get there you can’t really carry anything back. Just get in your car, or grab a bus, train or plain and you’ll actually get somewhere.
Cycling is not a sport
I hate to break it to all of you but cycling is not a sport. It is a completely outdated form of transportation. Sure at one point in time it might have been a practical way to get around. But today, in a world full of cars, you are just asking for trouble when you get on a bike. So why not get in a car? Not only will you get to your destination faster, but you’ll do it in comfort and warmth, with your favorite music playing on the radio.
If it starts to rain or snow, just turn on your wipers. If it gets hot or cold, just switch on the automatic climate control. If it gets dark, switch on your headlights. If you get hungry, drive through the nearest fast food joint.
Why would you ever want to ride a bike? What’s the point?
Some of you will no doubt say that it is good exercise. And you are of course correct. Sure it good exercise, unless you get hit by a car, or crash, or fall down a hill, or catch pneumonia, or get stung by a bee, or get a flat, or break a leg. At which point your exercise has just turned into a very long and painful recovery period. I suppose you can get some exercise jumping around on crutches, but wouldn’t it be easier to just run or swim, and avoid the bike all together?
Moveon.org
Which brings me to something that I’m sure you all must suspect by now. Since cycling is really not a worthy sport, but just something the French do to make themselves feel manly, I fear the time has come to moveon.org.
Yes, as much as I hate to do this, we’ll need to eliminate cycling from the triathlon. It had to happen sooner or latter, so why not make it sooner before we all end up with a ragging case of monkey butt.
Please come back tomorrow, when I’ll share with you the newer and better sport of triathlon…sans cycling.