We here are Everyman Triathlon laboratories have spent a long painstaking year investigating all the best possible cars for triathletes. We taken hundreds of cars from all the big manufactures and subjected them to a scientific battery of tests specifically designed for your needs.
For instance we tested the cars ability to:
- Repel sweaty running short odor,
- Swallow your bike, all your gear and still have room for a wet Golden Retriever,
- Coddle your red hot monkey butt after a 112 mile bike ride,
- Hold 10 cases of beer and 10 cases of Gatorade,
- Still make you look cool after you’ve just finished second to last and just barely ahead of the oldest athlete in the race,
- Compliment the shape and color of your USAT sticker,
- Compliment the shape and color of your favorite TT bike,
- Compliment the shape and color of your best race suit.
So without further obfuscation here are the Everyman Top 5 Triathlete Cars:
5) Any late model Subaru wagon
This all wheel drive car is perfect for the young up and coming budget minded triathlete. It has everything you need including plenty of room, Japanese reliability, a big roof to hold your bike and huge sunroof for all those last minute “on the way to the race” bike adjustments.
Reader Warning: Do not attempt to adjust your bike through the sunroof while driving to an early morning race, instead have your hung over buddy do it by strategically placing a beer can in the bike's bottle holder.
4) The Scion xB
This inexpensive little car is not only immensely practical, fuel efficient and giant on the inside, but also extremely and painfully ugly. The styling seems to suggest the offspring of a 1950’s bread van that had a one night stand with a very ugly and horny Jeep.
This is the perfect triathlete’s car as you certainly won’t be noticed when you sulk away from your next PW (Personal Worst) or DNF race. You may be the only person in the 20-25 age group beat by the 80-plus retired homemaker but they’ll soon forget you when you step into your car.
Just image the conversation now. “Did you see that dude get crushed by that old….man is that an ugly car…now what was I saying?”
3) Honda Element
This car has all the same advantages of the Scion xB plus it is twice as big so it will hold all of your triathlon stuff. With the Scion you have to waste precious time putting your bike on top of the car. The Honda Element will eagerly swallow all your stuff plus, all the stuff of the 80-plus-year-old homemaker, plus the 80-plus-year-old homemaker for a really fast get away from your next PW.
The Element also has two other advantages. The seating material is made from a sort of rubbery neoprene. This material is perfect for a) not getting stinky no matter how many wet-running shorts or Golden Retrievers rub themselves on the seat and b) creating an almost perfect Velcro like grip to your wet suit.
So the next race transition or pit stop as I like to say, all you’ll have to do is run to your Element, jump in, sit down and easily wiggle out of your wet suit as it will stick to your seats like an expensive toupee.
The other advantage of the Element is a massive sunroof above the fold flat rear seats of the car. This comes is handy when you meet that special triathlete of your dreams and you are trying to woo him of her to you place….ahhh or car “Honey come back to my place..ahhh car and I’ll promise I’ll show you the stars,” can be your pick-up line. You may also add (if you have your bike on your roof) “I’ll show you my spectacular bottom bracket and crank.”
2) The Amphicar
This 1960’s car may not be the easiest vehicle to find, but for obvious reasons it may be almost the perfect triathlete car. Just image your swim workout as a proud Amphicar owner.
Instead of driving to the health club, and searching for parking, and swimming in a over crowded masters class or recreation center you just hop in your Amphicar and drive to the nearest lake. Once at the lake just slip into your wet suit and locate the nearest boat dock.
Now slam down the accelerator and hit the water at high speed with you favorite band blaring on the radio. Once you are halfway across the lake, stop the car and now the world is your own private open water Masters class. What could be more perfect? How about you bring along three of you tri buddies and show off a bit by swimming laps around the car.
1) The Yugo
This former Soviet era Yugoslavian car is arguably the worst and least reliable car ever sold in the United States. In other words, this is the perfect triathlete’s car as it will almost always leave you stranded.
This means that you will have no other choice but to bike or run home for help. Going out to a big dinner will inevitably turn into an impromptu 30-mile bike ride home. A trip to the grocery store will mean a challenging 10-mile run to the nearest gas station or 5-mile push home.
You’ll be the fittest and fastest athlete in your age group. And when they ask you how you did it just smile, wink, and say that magic word…Yugo.