I really don’t trust broad sweeping generalizations, as they almost always tend to be wrong. So here are a few board sweeping generalizations:
Types of People
When it comes to food, people come in three types.
1) Those who like to eat
2) Those who like to cook
3) Those who like to cook and eat
Which one are you?
I love to eat.
I don’t like cooking because I grew up in the restaurant business. I’m sure it must be that way with most people feel about their day jobs. Do you think the plumber likes to fix toilets at home after a long day of fixing toilets, or do you think the accountant likes to do his own taxes after three months of working on other people tax returns? It makes you really wonder why anybody would ever marry a porn star.
The reason I don’t like to cook and eat is that I tend to eat while I cook. This means that by the time I’m actually ready to sit down and eat what I have cooked, I’m full. I eat a little bit of this and I taste a little bit of that and before you know it, I’ve put away 5000 calories of semi-cooked food and my meal is done.
Stretch Acting
When it comes to stretching there are also three types of people.
1) Those who stretch
2) Those who don’t stretch
3) Those who stretch act.
I fear that I fall into that third category. I know how important stretching is to any endurance sport. I’ve relearned all of the “correct” and “proper” stretching techniques after having to unlearn the muscle tearing methods of jerk stretching I was taught in grade school. But somehow I still don’t spend much time and effort stretching.
When I get to a trial head for a run, I seem to always be running late, so I do some stretch acting. This is a subtle but valuable acting tool I’ve mastered that allows me to portray an real athlete who is stretching without actually having to stretch.
I’m sure you are familiar with the types of acting moves I’m speaking about. The pull your foot by your toes to your butt technique, while leaning against the car and grimacing. The try to push over the car “stretch” while gritting your teeth and squinting your eyes in faux pain.
And unfortunately it only gets worse when I get back from a run. By that point I’m not only tired, but also hungry, so the stretch acting is completely abbreviated to perhaps a quick warm-down shake followed by stab at touching the toes.
And the Oscar for portraying the best stretching after a 14-mile run goes to…..me.
Swimmers
When it comes to swimming there are also three types of people.
1) Floaters
2) Sinkers
3) Tugboats
Floaters are all those collegiate swimming weasels who jump in the pool and lay down 3000 yards in the first 30 minutes without ever looking back.
Sinkers are the extremely unfortunate runners and cyclist who jump in the pool, and because of their total lack of body fat, sink to the bottom like a lead anvil.
I used to swim next to a great guy who was so lean and ripped he could have been a model for a muscle anatomy class. Unfortunately he was so lean he had to use all of his energy just to stay afloat. He eventually became a breast stroke expert as this was the only stroke that allowed him to barely keep his nose above water so that he could breath and swim.
I, on the other hand, am a tugboat. This is the type of swimmer whose upper body floats due to an access of body fat, but who’s lower half sinks. This means that I have to kick furiously to keep my legs floating creating a) a huge amount of splashing without much forward motion b) a massive wake which is perfect for any sinker to follow.
So I do have my fans in the pool. They just happen to be all the sinkers who always seem to appreciate a nice tugboat to pull them along.
Cyclist
Finally, when it comes to cycling there are also three types of people.
a) Climbers
b) Sprinters
c) Whalers
I’m sure you know what a climbers and sprinters do. But do you know the special talent it takes to be a whaler? I know because I am one.
A whaler is a cyclist who has the uncanny ability to harpoon the last rider in a drafting line and stick with him through thick and thin. I may not be able to out ride any given cyclist, but I can hang on to his or her back wheel for eternity. It only seems fair, as I’m usually the pulling them along in the pool.