EverymanTri.com

Mark Allen on Training Body, Mind, and Soul

What does it take to win the World Triathlon Championship in Kona? A world full of training and pain would be my guess.

What does it take to win the World Triathlon Championship in Kona six times?

Mark Allen knows and he shared it with me recently.

I’ll give you a hint right here and now. It takes body, mind and soul as Mark revealed his winning spiritual strategy to me. Click HERE to visit Mark’s passion or click HERE to visit his web site.

I’ll let you in on another secret. I’ve been following Mark Allen’s advice on how to train and it has worked like a magic bullet. I feel better, stronger and fitter since I started using his training strategy.

What’s the secret?

You’ll have to listen to the podcast to find out.

Mark is of course a six time Ironman world champion. He has also excelled at the Olympic distance, winning the sport's inaugural World Championships in 1989 in Avignon, France, by more than a minute. He went undefeated in 10 trips to the Nice International Championships, and from 1988-1990 he put together a winning streak of 20 races.

Before you listen to the interview please visit my newest podcast sponsor…Fitbeats.com. This is a terrific company that provides fitness mp3s to take your workouts to the next level.

This is the 14th Everyman Triathlon Endurance Podcast. There are several ways to subscribe to the show. You can click on the link below and use Yahoo.com.

You can go into iTunes and:

1) Click on the podcast link in the upper left hand corner of iTunes,
2) Click on the Podcast Directory link on the bottom of the page,
3) Now just use the search box located in the bottom left corner of the music store to locate Everymantriathlon and subscribe to my podcast.

The advantage of this is that you'll automatically get every show episode once I add it to iTunes.

Or you can listen (here and now) to the interview by just clicking the play tab below, or click on the link to the MP3 file and download it to your favorite iPod or MP3 player.


MP3 File

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along

Today a blogger named Fat Cyclist made the home page of MSN. His blog starts out with this statement:

“An Open Letter to Triathletes

Dear Triathletes,

First off, I want you to know that I admire you. I really do. I admire your tenacity and determination. I admire your intensity. I admire your endurance.

And it’s a darn shame you waste all those admirable qualities on the most ridiculous activity (yes, “activity,” not “sport”—I’ll get to that in a moment) that has ever been created.”

You can read the rest HERE.

I remember when I started out with this web site reading a bunch of advice on how to get noticed. The most and perhaps best advice was to write the most outlandish and controversial stories that you can create.

So I really hate to send more people over to Fat Cyclist because I suspect that is exactly what he is doing. On the other hand he does take a pretty thought provoking, but harsh slap at our happy little family so I though you should know.

Most of the comments on the post are positive. I don’t think that declaring a blog war would do any good, but I just can’t let his comments stand. I won’t comment on his blog. He’s got enough to read already, but I will answer his points here.

An Open Letter to Fat Cyclist

First off, I want to you to know that I admire you. I admire you for your funny and thought provoking writing style. I admire your witty comments. I admire your clever use of definitions, and I admire your syntax.

And it’s a darn shame that you waste all those admirable qualities on the dark side. Come back to the true force young hefty Jedi. You will see the error of your ways.

I’m sure you know that most triathletes come from either a running, swimming or biking background. We didn’t just wake up one day and say to ourselves, wouldn’t it be grand to swim, bike run.

No, we fell in love with cycling, and at some point we felt that it would be really great to add to our athletic world (our sporting repertoire if you will) thus we include a few other worthy sports. You know, all cycling all the time, makes for a pretty dull life and sore ass.

So I hate to burst your cycling bubble, but many of us know how to draft, and how pass, and even how to race in the non time trial manner.

Funny and true story this: I live in Boulder and there’s a pro bike ride that goes out once a week from a local bike shop with the likes of Tyler Hamilton and such. We have pretty diverse community of professional athletes here.

Anyway last week Simon Lessing, a pro triathlete, was on this ride and had a few pro cyclists on his back wheel. After about ten minutes he dropped the boys and had to slow down for them to catch up. They worked pretty hard for about ten minutes and caught Simon, who proceeded to drop them again in a few miles.

Do you suppose that Simon taugh those pro boys a bit of a lesson?

So Fatty (I hope you don’t mind this term of endearment) here’s my heartfelt plea to you.

Give up all this divisive anger and embrace the greater diversity offered by the Sport of triathlon. You may find the cross training actually makes you a better cyclist. You may enjoy your time in the water and your time on the run.

Well teach you how to cross train so that your body can actually recover from those long rides. Plus you’ll be less likely to burn out from all that seat time.

As for swimming, I only have three words for you. Hot and Tub and Bikini. I’m sure you can figure out the rest.

So just admit you have a problem. Admit that you have gone over to the dark side. And you know the only thing you’ll find on the dark side is steroids and the French.

Come back to us. We’ll do the rest.

Healthy Happy Meals

Now I’m no nutritionist, nor do I play one on television, so I must admit that every so often I go out to eat and indulge in a lunch or dinner of fast food. I know that we’re all supposed to shop at Whole Foods or Wild Oats, and cook a healthy and nutritious homemade meal made from organic vegetables, low fat meats like fish and perhaps some Japanese side dishes like endamane (green soy) beans.

Grasshopper, this is the way of the triathlete!

However this is not the way of the modern Everyman Triathlete who has a job, family, dog, a tank full of fish, and mortgage. You know I really love to hate those cooking shows were the Chef prepares easy, light, and healthy meals that "we can all make in just a few short minutes."

I would love to make those meals. But first I’ll need a producer who will gather all the ingredients and put them in those beautiful glass bowls in the perfect amounts. Next a professional kitchen with studio lighting, and how about a team of interns to clean up my mess, feed the dog, change the fish filter, put away the dishes, clip the coupons and pick up the kids at school?

Oh by the way, the interns might as well fill up the car, get it washed and pick up my dry cleaning. Now I’m ready, in a Zen-like state, to cook that perfect healthy meal.

Jeez Louise, someone forgot to inform the producers that my kid will not eat fish, or any sort of bean, or for that matter anything that is green that is not called Sprite.

So gang, for the rest of us Everyman Triathletes who are occasionally forced to partake of fast food, I’ve put together a short list of workable alternatives to the hamburger and fries.

Please keep in mind that I really only have four simple rules when it comes to healthy happy meal fast foods:

1) It must be healthy. By healthy I mean a common sense “healthy” which in my book means that the meal uses mostly fresh ingredients, it is not fried or nuked or in anyway cooked in grease or unsaturated fats.

2) It must be truly fast food in so much that I can order it, get it, and eat it after a 4-mile run over my lunch period.

3) It must be cheap. This means that I can purchase it, get a drink and still get change from a ten-dollar bill.

4) It must taste good.

What’s the use of a tofu spinach salad that is perfectly balanced with all essential nutrients and vitamins if it tastes like paper and glue? I’m not a big believe in healthy meals just for the sake of healthy meals.

Sure you may feel like you are “doing the right thing” when you have one of these healthy meals, but sooner or later you’ll break down and snarf down five dozen chips ahoy cookies like a contestant on survivor, day 30. The meal has to taste good, and you must want it to the extant that you crave it.

So here’s my short list of Everyman Healthy Happy Meal Fast Foods:

Restaurant Chain: Qdoba
Meal: Naked Burrito

You can order either a steak or chicken naked burrito at Qdoba and get it made your way. This means either grilled steak or chicken on a bed of rice and black beans with tomatoes, salsa, lettuce and your favorite hot sauce. To keep this meal truly healthy you have to walk away from the cheese, sour cream and tortia.

I’m not a big fan of any sodas so I tend to stick to unsweetened ice tea with a fresh wedge of lemon. The down side is that it colors your teeth, but the upside is no high fructose corn starch or funky sugar like chemicals. I also like to squeeze a couple of limes onto my naked burrito. I’m not sure that this makes it any better, but it sure feels healthy. All the limes you can squeeze are available by the soda machine.

Restaurant Chain: Noodles and Company
Meal: Penne Rose

From the companies web site; “Spicy red pepper-flaked tomato cream and penne pasta tossed with white wine, mushroom, fresh spinach and roma tomato. Parmesan or feta cheese.”

Once again I would skip the cheese and order some grilled chicken instead. They now offer this meal as combo with a fresh salad and drink. Try it and I believe that you’ll not only like it, but you’ll feel good about eating it.

This Boulder based chain has some of the freshest food in the fast food world. Not only do I like many
of their meals, but they also serve a wide selections of healthy bottled drinks and waters that go beyond your usual soda machine

Restaurant Chain: Whole Foods Market
Meal: Salad Bar/Soup Bar

Most Whole Foods Markets have a tremendous salad bar with about every organic vegetable and salad you could ever imagine. Build your own perfect salad in about 3 minutes and take it to the express lane check out for a quick, healthy, and easy meal. I also love their fresh soups if you want to go the soup and salad combo route. My personal favorite is the Matza Ball Chicken soup with a fresh roll from the bakery.

Word of warning. While it is easy to eat healthy from their giant salad bar, it is just as easy to overdo it. I especially recall the young ladies from my freshman collage days who somehow still managed to put on that freshmen fifteen, even though they only grazed at the cafeteria salad bar. And that’s just it…avoid the temptation to graze by creating a salad pyramid of eggs, cheese, nuts and creamy salad dressing.

Restaurant Chain: McDonalds
Meal: All American Hamburger Meal.

So I must admit that I have a guilty pleasure left over from a misspent childhood of fast food fare. But before I get to that I’m convinced that McDonalds offers only one truly healthy food item, besides bottled water, on their menu. This would be the fruit salad plate that if eaten without the sweetened nuts and sweetened yogurt-like white sauce, might actually be healthy as it has fresh grapes and apples slices.

But if you are like me and you must have a true fast food fix, I would recommend the All American Hamburger meal. You won’t find this on the menu, but almost all the restaurant server it as a left over from the times when you could get this meal for just $1.00 at MacDonlads. It is a hamburger, small fries and, small drink. Today it cost just over $2.00.

The good news is that if you stay away from the Soda and get unsweetened ice tea, this meal is only about 500 calories...give or take a few ketchup packets.

The bad news is that it is still 22 grams of fat that you’ll have to swim, bike, or run to remove from your body. But for just over $2.00, every few months, it is a guilty pleasure that I like to indulge as it leaves plenty of money for dog and fish food, as well as that monthly mortgage check that I still have to write.

Ten really important things I always forget

Recently, in Moab, I had just about two hours to contemplate the state of my current triathlon career as I ran my way down the canyon during the Canyonlands half marathon. Two hours can be a long time, especially when running hard. Time slows to a crawl. The nine-minute time segments between the markers go on forever with few distractions except the mounting pain, rhythmic labored breathing, and thumping heart.

A coach, a carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee

A good friend of mine recently sent me the story below with a preface saying “I don’t forward most of these sorts of things, but I liked this one.”

Well gang...I don’t usually post most of these sort of things but I took the liberty to change this one around a wee bit ;-) and now I kind of like it, and I hope you do as well.

A triathlete went to her coach and told her about her training and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of all the training, the pain, the early hours and fighting her body. She was struggling in the water, hurting on the bike and, suffering during the run. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her coach took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her triathlete, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her coach brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.

The coach then asked the triathlete to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the coach asked the triathlete to sip the coffee. The triathlete smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The triathlete then asked, "What does it mean, coach?"

Her coach explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

Which are you?" she asked her triathlete. "When things get hard, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which are you?

Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength?

Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?

Did you have a fluid spirit, but after a struggle, some pain or some other trial, have you become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside is it bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Or is the the moral of this story, as Nancy so wisely pointed out, that we all need to spend more time in the Hot Tub?

Please feel free to add your own moral.

Companies that just don’t get it!

Yesterday I called Home Depot to check on the status of a rebate for some new appliances that we had purchased at Christmas. I got the typical automated operator. After wading through about 7 levels of automated telephone hell I got to the rebate option, hit number 4, and got hung up on.

FYI: Home Depot. I don’t speak Spanish, French or Fijian. I speak English as I live in the USA. You might want to keep that in mind for future reference.

So I called back, what other option do I have after all? I went through the same 7 levels of automated telephone hell, hit number 4, and got a message to call a DIFFERENT phone number. Do you guys have anybody working for you who actually has a grade school education, or do you sit around in Atlanta in nothing but your tool belts trying to think of ways to piss off your customers like some giant fraternity gone bad?

Here’s a note to Quest from a customer ready to jump ship to Internet phone service.

Don’t ask me to input my telephone number when I call, only to have your rep ask me for my telephone number. Don’t you have caller ID? After all it is just YOUR telephone number I’m using on YOUR system run by YOUR computers.

Don’t your customer service reps have a computer screen in front of them telling them who is calling after I just put in the number? Oh, let me guess, your folks are all sitting around in a giant call center with only an abacus, notepad and number 2 pencil.

This is to all you weasel executives who run the big cell phone companies.

Here’s what I don’t want:

- I don’t want a cell phone that plays music, movies, games, or can be used to pay for stuff like parking and vending machine food.
- I don’t want a cell phone that triple folds, pop-opens, springs up, falls back, comes in 2999 different colors, or can be used as a razor.
- I don’t want a cell phone the vibrates to the tune of God Save the Queen, sends me automated updates as to when my dentist has a opening, or can be used to neuter my dog and/or works as an effective bug repellant.
- I don’t want a cell phone that works underwater, on the moon, in the sewers, or any other place that I don’t spent 99.9 percent of my time.

Here’s what I do want:

- A cell phone that actually works in my home or office. And by works I mean recieves and sends aubible voice calls.
- A cell phone that actually rings when someone calls me, instead of not ringing, waiting 5 minutes and telling me I missed a call.

- A cell phone that doesn’t cut out just as I’m getting the most important bits of information like the actually address of place I'm searching for when I’m lost, or the exact amount of money I owe on my taxes as I’m just about to mail the return.
- A cell phone that automatically calls back the 411 operator and tell her where to stick the phone number she just gave me that turned out to be to the local Chinese dry cleaner instead of my doctor’s office like I requested and paid for.
- A cell phone that won’t need almost constant recharging after just two months of use.
- A cell phone plan that comes with 1000 minutes of air time during the hours that I’m usually awake and actually might use the phone.
- A cell phone that, if left on, won’t take down a loaded 747, or disrupt the life-saving equipment in a hospital or dentist office.

To the fury vermin who run the local cable TV monopoly, here’s a note from a very unsatisfied customer.

You bill me for something like 5000 channels of crap. I don’t and can’t and won’t watch 5000 channels of crap. In fact I think that I really only watch about a dozen channels. So why can’t I just pay for the channels I watch?

I really don’t give a rat’s ass about what’s happening in the lives of spoiled college kids on spring break, or the intricacies of Japanese’s Sumo wresting. In fact really I don’t care about any major sports, and that especially includes stock car racing or March over-hyped madness. So why am I paying for all this?

Furthermore, why is my Tivo knock-off DVR Motorola remote control harder to operate than a “programmable” 1980’s VCR? I mean this thing has more buttons than the space shuttle. Is it really necessary to have three buttons for forward and three for back? Tell me Comast and Motorola what “expensive” Chinese brain surgeon designed this monstrosity?

Did you farm this thing out to the Schezwan School of autistic remote control designers and give them 2 days to come up with their best design.

Here’s a helpful hint to all you fury vermin executives. Why don’t you install these DVRs on all of your 700 inch flat screen plasmas in your 8000 foot Aspen “rustic cabins” and try to set it to record the next Japanese Sumo tournament. And to make it really fun you should wager your next multimillion-dollar pay bonus on the outcome. I’d bet you’d end up with some real March Madness.

Finally to all you chain smoking, martini guzzling, lobbyist paying, backroom deal making, fat cat energy executives billionaires.

Now I’m no energy expert, but it seems to me pretty obvious that we are running out of oil. Or to be more accurate demand is quickly exceeding supply. Let me explain it to you in a way that you may understand.

Do you remember when you were little kids growing up in the suburbs of Houston and you had a birthday party at school? If you recall your teacher made you bring in enough cup cakes for all the kids in the class. Well it is sort of the same way today except that the cup cakes are oil and the other kids in your class are like 3 billion Chinese and 1 billion Indians.

There’s just not enough cup cakes in all the world for this many SUV driving classmates. So get off your fat wallets and figure out a substitute.

I know that now you are making money hand over fist as we pay more and more for the diminishing supplies. I know that times are good, and you and your private G-5 jets are busy flying you around the world hunting and killing rare and endangered animals to decorate your climate-controlled mansions.

But gentlemen I suspect that even your wives have kids, and perhaps even you are starting to figure out that you have to breath the same air and drink the same bottled water as all of us. Perhaps you even miss that spare home you had on the Gulf Shores of Mississippi or perhaps that penthouse Florida condo that was washed away by the last monster Hurricane.

And sure we all know that the evidence is still “out” on global warming. The recent record global temperatures, droughts, the burning of 2 percent of Texas, and the fact that every glacier on earth is melting faster than your stock portfolio is rising is just the cost of doing business. And I know that its not really global warming but climate change…and change is good…at least for you.

But oil is such a useful thing. It really is a huge shame to waste it by burning it as fuel when you can use the sun, wind, or water.

I mean without oil there’s no way to make anything plastic. So I’m wondering how you and your Comcast and Motorola buddies will enjoy betting on the next March Madness tournament when you have to watch it on your 700 inch wooden big screen plasma block?

Pro Page: Brad Seng Interview

While it might seem a bit tenuous, when you think about it there is often a real connection between the sport of triathlon and personal faith in God.

Just like the Christian trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost, triathlon has the swim, bike and run. But the connections go much deeper for many people. Iron distance races include a great deal of faith, perseverance, and suffering just like Christian religious beliefs. If you really wanted to analyze the connections even more deeply you go consider the swim as a baptism, the suffering during a race as the passion of the Christ and so and so on.

But this is something I'll leave up to you to contemplate on your next long run. It is also something that I recently discussed with up and coming professional triathlete Brad Seng. Brad has been able to successfully combine a career as a professional triathlete with speaking career as a nation abstinence speaker.

Brad talks to young people about the physical and emotional costs of engaging in physical intimacy outside of marriage. You can visit Brad's web site by clicking HERE.

Brad is also just a few weeks away from racing Ironman Arizona. So on a snowy morning I sat down with Brad and discussed what it is like to move up the ranks from age group athlete to professional, to racing at last year's world championships in Kona.

This is the 13th Everyman Triathlon Endurance Podcast. There are several ways to subscribe to the show. You can click on the link below and use Yahoo.com.

You can go into iTunes and:

1) Click on the podcast link in the upper left hand corner of iTunes,
2) Click on the Podcast Directory link on the bottom of the page,
3) Now just use the search box located in the bottom left corner of the music store to locate Everymantriathlon and subscribe to my podcast.

The advantage of this is that you'll automatically get every show episode once I add it to iTunes.

Or you can listen (here and now) to the interview by just click the play tab below, or click on the link to the MP3 file and download it to your favorite iPod or MP3 player.


MP3 File

Canyonlands Half Marathon

Everyman Rating
No Brewski (It is in Utah after all)

Rating Scale (based on the amount of beer needed after race)
- 4 Brewskis: So excruciatingly painful and lame you’ll need a full year of recovery just to forget this race
- 3 Brewskis: The best thing said and remembered about race is; I finished
- 2 Brewskis: Challenging race in a masochistic I’d could do it again sort-of-way given enough time and Ibuprofen.
- 1 Brewski: Good solid race that exceeds your expectations
- No Brewski: A must-do annual event for both friends and family

No Pain, No Elevation Gain

Image racing a half marathon up one of the highest Mountains in the United States. My friend and former coach Wes Hobson doesn't have to image this as he's done this for the last two years in a row.

Next time you about to start race and you're a bit nervous about your performace just think back on this story by Wes and you may find the motivation you may need to excel.

I recently competed in the Pikes Peak Ascent Half-Marathon. Pikes Peak, standing at 14,110 feet (4,299 meters), looms over Colorado Springs, CO. The United States has 61 "fourteeners" …52 of them are located in Colorado. Pikes Peak is the fourteener charged with guarding the Front Range as it overlooks the great plains heading East.

Goal Setting: The beginning of the Foundation

Triathletes, we are now almost three months into the New Year. As I was running this morning I was thinking about my 2006 goals. I was going through a mental check list and seeing how the year has stacked up to my 2006 goals.

Does your Zip determine your Zip?

What factors do you believe will be most influential on how you perform at your next race? Is it your fitness level, or perhaps the amount of training you did before the race, or could it be your nutrition, or perhaps its your equipment, or is it just plain luck?

A recent study we just compiled here at Everyman Triathlon has found a surprising answer to this question. We followed 5000 triathlete nurses for over 5 years. We painstakingly compiled not only their race results, but also their daily diet, their workout regime, their family histories, their lottery and Vegas winnings, and we logged their complete clothing and equipment preferences, along with everything else we learned into a massive database.

We took these results and compared them to a double-blind study of an additional 5000 triathlete nurses and tabulated the results to once and for all settle the question of what is the most influential factor in race day performance. The results are both shocking and enlightening.

So for just five easy payment of $99.95 we’ll send you the results of this groundbreaking study. Plus if you act today we’ll also include our patented Butt Burn Weasel. The Butt Burn Weasel is a revolutionary new devise that we developed at the Everyman Tri Laboratories over a period of 12 long years.

The BB Weasel is guaranteed to sooth and comfort your raw and tender butt checks after a long ride with its patented messaging paws. Just clamp it on to any 4-inch or thicker belt, bend over the kitchen table, and let the BB Weasel message away those miles with a patented circular rubbing and thumping motion. Act today as supplies are limited!

You know I’m just kidding ;-)

But it does make you think as to what one factor influence how you’ll do at your next race. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and I’ve come to a surprising conclusion. I suspect that where you live has a lot to do with how you will perform at you next race.

I believe this in part because I’ve been reading a lot of Blogs and I’m always surprised at how bad the weather is many parts of this country and world. I’m amazed that many triathletes can train at all during the winter.

The training reports are filled with cold, wet, snowy, windy, icy, and in general crappy weather. I find it hard enough to go out for my daily workout when the weather is sunny and warm, I’m truly amazed that you can do it when a Tornado is heading down your street, and yet somehow you do.

A few years ago I ran the Las Vegas marathon. In my build-up to the race I ended up having to do my long run (20 miles) on the treadmill because it was icy outside and I didn’t want to risk falling and hurting myself.

The first hour of this treadmill run was uneventful. The second hour I started to get really bored and I found myself looking for anything to relieve the boredom like trying to anticipate when the little red light on the treadmill would jump one point ahead. By hour three I was ready to stick a very pointy screwdriver into my ear. I was both completely bored and completely exhausted. This is not an easy combination to achieve.

There are even bigger factors (beside the weather) that make it easier for us living in Boulder to train. For instance when I look out my window I see people running and biking all the time. You can’t swing a dead Butt Burn Weasel in Boulder without hitting somebody on a bike or a run.

In fact it seems downright strange to live here and not be training for something. Not only is this town full of professional triathletes but we have Olympic runners and cyclist and even our fair share of professional adventure racers.

Last year I happened to go on a ride with this group of pro athletes and I have to admit that they make Ironman triathletes look like weekend coach potatoes. Forget this sissy stuff like riding your rode bike for a “short” 80-mile loop. This is not good enough for these adventure racer types.

We get about 5-miles into the ride and they say let’s take the back roads. So we find the nearest dirt rode, they let some air out of their tires, and away we go for a 80-mile adventure ride. By about mile 20, I’m shaken and certainly well stirred as I’m on my ultra-stiff aluminum road bile. By mile, 30 my legs, lungs and front derailleur have gone south. By mile 40, I can barely keep up and my front break is broke. At mile 45 I bail out of the ride, but they keep going, as now they are finally warmed-up.

When you live in a place full of these types of athletes, it is almost expected that you spend Saturday morning going long. Two weeks ago in Chicago, I went for a nice 9-mile run. I had to drive about a half hour just to get to a forest preserve so I could run on trail, instead of on the street or sidewalk.

Here in Boulder I have about 4 dozen trails to choose from within a ten minute drive of my house. But many people might just as easily ride their bikes to the trail or on the trail. Almost every road in town has a bike lane. I’d be terrified to bike in most U.S cities on the road.

Finally, I’m amazed at how committed you must be to swim on a regular basis in many places around the country. I know I take this for granted but we have 4 recreation centers that each other numerous Masters classes per day, plus two health clubs that have their own Masters classes every day…one of which is taught by 6-time Ironman world champion Dave Scott.

We here at Everyman triathlon salute all of you have athletes who have to plan, drive, scrape, and struggle and just to work out. You are the ones who really deserve that free Butt Burn Weasel. So act today, as supplies are definitely limited.

Public Service Announcement

This morning when I checked my email I had just over 350 messages in my SPAM folder. People, please, this has got to stop.

I suspect the only reason I get so much SPAM is that there are those among us who actually open these messages and bite. Why else would the SPAMMERS devote so much time and energy, if not for a substantial return on their investment.

So to help make SPAMMING less profitable, here are a few helpful suggestions. These first few are meant for all you gentlemen.

1) There is absolutely no way men, outside of surgery, to lengthen any part of your anatomy. There are no pills, no creams, no ointments, no lotions or potions that will enhance your length in any way what so ever.

I was recently watching a Three Stooges episode with my son where the boys concocted a youth potion from all sorts of crazy pills, powders, bubbling waters and strange animal parts. They mixed all this stuff together and when they tried it on Curly, he exploded. Image the boys mixing up your enhancement cream next time you are even considering opening one of these emails.

There is only one thing in this world that I know will increase your manhood with women. It is a bank account with lots of zeros.


2) There are no bored and eager housewives and/or 19-year-old French nannies just waiting for your call. The housewives have enough trouble with their husbands and the French nannies are looking for hot 19-year-old boys with their own cars.

The only thing waiting for you at the other end of that email is a possibly a professional who’ll prefer cash or a high limit credit card.

3) There are no rich, or dethroned, or oppressed Nigerians who need your help to transfer large sums of money into your bank account. There certainly are Nigerians who need your help, but this help entails transferring your money into their bank accounts.

Please stop falling for this old and lame ploy or variation thereof. If you want to lose your money do it the same way that most elderly Americans do…in Las Vegas playing 4 nickel slot machines at the same time.

4) Your bank, or Paypal, or your money manager will never send you an email asking for your social security number, or your ATM card number, or your password, or your login, or your pet’s name.

A fat middle-aged, chain-smoking, vodka-drinking, brothel-visiting Russia holed up in a dingy apartment will. And if you want to keep him in borscht, smokes, vodka and skanky chicks, than just click on that email link and have at it.

5) There is no such thing as a cheap and reputable Internet pharmacy. You can have cheap, or you can have reputable, but not both. So you if you want the Three Stooges mixing up you next batch of heart or boner medicine, go ahead and click on that link, and you’ll certainly get what you paid for.

6) Have you heard about the newest and hottest small cap stock? This small but up and coming company has the exclusive right to all the tolls on the Brooklyn Bridge.

Co: Brooklyn Users Transport Terminal Headquarters.
Sym: BUTT HEAD
A Massive PR Campaign is Underway for Monday and all next week!! Starting at only 2 cents the Gains will be tremendous!! Tuesday this one is going to Explode!!!

You better invest today because you’ll only get another 1000 of these chances in the next week.

7) Did you know that on the NBC today show they said that: South Africa's Kalahari Desert is home to what could be the answer to ravenous appetite. It's a cactus called hoodia. "You strip off the skin, you strip off the spines, and then you consume it," says weight loss expert Madelyn Fernstrom.

Who would have though that the South Africans have the answer to your weight problem? The irony here is that they indeed have the answer and it is called poverty. And they’ll be happy to share it with by relieving you of your excess money by just a click of the mouse.

8) Did you know that your home’s equity will finance the dept of a small third world country. I bet that probably came as a surprise to you since you are renting. Never-mind that fact. Just click on the link and convert that hard-earned equity into easy-earned dept. That Harley that you’ve always wanted can be yours today for just 30-years of monthly payments.

9) Are most good jobs not within your reach? That's probably because you lack a post -graduate education. We can fix that ;) Wink Wink Wink!

I’m sure your next employer will be impressed with your diploma from Saint Bogus University of unvirgin Mary. Because you know that most companies today have a Human Resource department that has never seen one of these wink wink diplomas.

You might however get a job with the Three Stooges, but last time I checked they were all retired.

Things that make you go hmmm

A) The incident of the hairy butt, bench and hairdryer

I was in the locker room of my health club yesterday when I couldn’t help but notice a guy sitting on a bench wearing only a smile while blow drying his toes.

He had obviously just taken a shower, as he was wet from head to drying toe. I’m not really sure what caught my eye first. Was it the fact that his hairy naked butt was sitting on the bench I had just used a few moments prior, or the fact that he was using the hairdryer I would soon need for my hair...on his feet?

I guess this is a question of “touchage,” actually two questions to be precise. His hairy and hopefully clean butt was obviously touching the bench.

Question # 1:
Is it wrong to sit on a bench without placing a towel between your privates and the clubs publics…the bench? And does it matter that the aforementioned privates are clean if they are still in direct contact with public (read communal) property?

Question # 2:
Is it wrong to use a public hairdryer on other parts of your body, specifically the wet area between your toes. And does it matter if the aforementioned hairdryer actually touches the toes?

Because you argue that if indeed the end of the hairdryer never touched the toes or feet, it doesn’t really matter. Because, for the most part, the hairdryer does not touch the hair when used as advertised.

I don’t know the answers to these question but they did keep me up last night for almost two and a half minutes so I though I would share them with you for a public discussion to sort out the truth once and for all. Please feel free to comment. I would love to know your thoughts.


B) The incident of one whisper too many

I’m sure that we can all agree that it is just wrong to pee in the pool and in the shower, especially if these are public pools and showers that are used by other. If you don’t agree please let me know so that I can be sure to avoid your pool in all my future travels.

But this particular issue is much more subtle. I was swimming this week in my usual masters class, in my usual slow lane, with the usual suspects. I’ve become casual friends with the guys and gals in my lane and to break up some of time we like to have fun and tease each other.

So the other day I notice that two of the gals are whispering and giggling as I approach the wall. Being somewhat curious, I of course asked what’s so funny. One of the gals gives the other one a look like should I tell him and says “Debbie (let’s call her that for the purpose of this story) just tinkled in the pool and you’re standing in it.” They both laughed and swam down the lane for the next set.

Questions #1:
Did Debbie really tinkle in the pool or were they just having a go at me. Please keep in mind that Debbie is about my age with kids of her own.

Question #2:
Next time I see them should I stop, squat and pretend to tinkle by the warm water outlet and really make it seem real thus a) having a good go at them, and b) running the risk of potentially forever gaining the reputation as the guy you never want to have in your lane?

Your wise comments and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Pro Page: Joanna Zeiger Interview

From Joanna Zeiger's web site:

"It is a good time to reflect on the hits and misses of a very long year. Certainly, winning Ironman Brazil and St. Croix were career highlights, but I find it is the races that do not meet expectations that the most learning occurs.

As triathletes, the very attributes that make us successful at what we do, are often our downfall as well. It is extremely difficult to the make the decision not to start a race once we arrive, even if we can barely get out of bed (or the bathroom). And, to pull the plug once the race has begun is a ludicrous notion. We need to be fairer to ourselves – we are not superhuman."

Recently I sat down with Joanna Zeiger and asked her about her professional career. What was it like to win Ironman Brazil last year, and how does it feel to be the first American finisher in the first Olympic Triathlon? What is the day in the life of a pro like?

To find out the interesting answer to these questions, plus much more, you'll have to listen to the Everyman interview.

This is 12th, and I think best, show of the Everyman Triathlon Endurance Podcast. There are several ways to subscribe to the show. You can click on the link below and use Yahoo.com.

You can go into iTunes and:

1) Click on the podcast link in the upper left hand corner of iTunes,
2) Click on the Podcast Directory link on the bottom of the page,
3) Now just use the search box located in the bottom left corner of the music store to locate Everymantriathlon and subscribe to my podcast.

The advantage of this is that you'll automatically get every show episode once I add it to iTunes.

Or you can listen (here and now) to the interview by just click the play tab below, or click on the link to the MP3 file and download it to your favorite iPod or MP3 player.


MP3 File

Top 5 Triathlete Cars

We here are Everyman Triathlon laboratories have spent a long painstaking year investigating all the best possible cars for triathletes. We taken hundreds of cars from all the big manufactures and subjected them to a scientific battery of tests specifically designed for your needs.

Floaters and Sinkers

I really don’t trust broad sweeping generalizations, as they almost always tend to be wrong. So here are a few board sweeping generalizations:

Types of People

When it comes to food, people come in three types.

1) Those who like to eat
2) Those who like to cook
3) Those who like to cook and eat

Which one are you?

I love to eat.

I don’t like cooking because I grew up in the restaurant business. I’m sure it must be that way with most people feel about their day jobs. Do you think the plumber likes to fix toilets at home after a long day of fixing toilets, or do you think the accountant likes to do his own taxes after three months of working on other people tax returns? It makes you really wonder why anybody would ever marry a porn star.

The reason I don’t like to cook and eat is that I tend to eat while I cook. This means that by the time I’m actually ready to sit down and eat what I have cooked, I’m full. I eat a little bit of this and I taste a little bit of that and before you know it, I’ve put away 5000 calories of semi-cooked food and my meal is done.

Stretch Acting

When it comes to stretching there are also three types of people.

1) Those who stretch
2) Those who don’t stretch
3) Those who stretch act.

I fear that I fall into that third category. I know how important stretching is to any endurance sport. I’ve relearned all of the “correct” and “proper” stretching techniques after having to unlearn the muscle tearing methods of jerk stretching I was taught in grade school. But somehow I still don’t spend much time and effort stretching.

When I get to a trial head for a run, I seem to always be running late, so I do some stretch acting. This is a subtle but valuable acting tool I’ve mastered that allows me to portray an real athlete who is stretching without actually having to stretch.

I’m sure you are familiar with the types of acting moves I’m speaking about. The pull your foot by your toes to your butt technique, while leaning against the car and grimacing. The try to push over the car “stretch” while gritting your teeth and squinting your eyes in faux pain.

And unfortunately it only gets worse when I get back from a run. By that point I’m not only tired, but also hungry, so the stretch acting is completely abbreviated to perhaps a quick warm-down shake followed by stab at touching the toes.

And the Oscar for portraying the best stretching after a 14-mile run goes to…..me.

Swimmers

When it comes to swimming there are also three types of people.

1) Floaters
2) Sinkers
3) Tugboats

Floaters are all those collegiate swimming weasels who jump in the pool and lay down 3000 yards in the first 30 minutes without ever looking back.

Sinkers are the extremely unfortunate runners and cyclist who jump in the pool, and because of their total lack of body fat, sink to the bottom like a lead anvil.

I used to swim next to a great guy who was so lean and ripped he could have been a model for a muscle anatomy class. Unfortunately he was so lean he had to use all of his energy just to stay afloat. He eventually became a breast stroke expert as this was the only stroke that allowed him to barely keep his nose above water so that he could breath and swim.

I, on the other hand, am a tugboat. This is the type of swimmer whose upper body floats due to an access of body fat, but who’s lower half sinks. This means that I have to kick furiously to keep my legs floating creating a) a huge amount of splashing without much forward motion b) a massive wake which is perfect for any sinker to follow.

So I do have my fans in the pool. They just happen to be all the sinkers who always seem to appreciate a nice tugboat to pull them along.

Cyclist

Finally, when it comes to cycling there are also three types of people.

a) Climbers
b) Sprinters
c) Whalers

I’m sure you know what a climbers and sprinters do. But do you know the special talent it takes to be a whaler? I know because I am one.

A whaler is a cyclist who has the uncanny ability to harpoon the last rider in a drafting line and stick with him through thick and thin. I may not be able to out ride any given cyclist, but I can hang on to his or her back wheel for eternity. It only seems fair, as I’m usually the pulling them along in the pool.