Every decade or so people, technology, ideas, culture, and society leap ahead and yet we are still stuck with the Old Ways of doing things. These old ways die-hard. Somebody has to give them a helping push over the cliff and into the sea of oblivion. And that somebody might as well be me. So without further delay here’s my list of Old Ways that need to seriously move on.
Public Radio Fund Raising
What’s the difference between listing to commercial breaks in two-minute segments over a period of several months or listening to them for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT?
The answer: there is no difference.
It is long past time for the big boss at NPR to realize that begging, guilting, bribing, crying, screaming, and whining for money is not only lame, but so completely annoying to anybody who’s been on this planet for over 30 years, that we would rather have a pointy screwdriver stuck in our ear, than give a single penny to the local NPR station.
Pennies
Now I know that somewhere out there is a sizable population of little old ladies who cling to their pennies like they are manna from God. I know this because I’m the one stuck behind them on line at Walgreen’s as they pay for their $4.76 support pantyhose with dimes, nickels and pennies. But for the love of God, can’t we already lose the penny and just make the support pantyhose and even $4.75.
Automated Voice Receptionist
A few years ago many banks decided that human tellers were a thing of the past. They held focus groups that always confirmed their cost cutting strategy of replacing humans with ATM machines. Never mind the focus groups were just like the old communist Russian saying that goes; when asked a question by your superiors, the answer is always; “I understand your questions comrades, how do you wish me to answer yes?”
Never mind that many customers hated the machines because they made them feel like a commodity. Never mind that many customers never got what they wanted from the machines. And never mind that a few competing banks realized this and used it to build their business and get new customers.
Today most banks are falling all over themselves to add branches with live tellers that are now available long into the night and even on the weekends. Does any of this sound familiar to you big wigs at Sprint or Comcast?
“OK, did you say account information?”
“No I said Operator!”
“I didn’t get that. Did you say new account?”
“No…I said O-P-E-R-A-T-O-R”
“Hold on and I’ll get you the “we don’t give a flying hoot about your business department.”
“Hello?”
Click…Click…Click! Please hang up the phone or dial again buzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Dial Up Credit Card Merchant Machines
Let’s face it we now pay for everything with credit cards. I used to get all frazzled when the guy in front of me paid for this twenty six cent piece of Bazooka bubble gum with his Visa. Today I know that the only person who’ll actually pay cash is the little old lady with the two for one pantyhose deal.
Thus all of you cutting-edge merchants may want to really consider this. Please, please, please, replace your twenty-two-year old dial up credit card machine with something that can process my sale in under the time it takes me to have lunch. Because in this day of high speed WIFI, I should have time for lunch. Instead I stand in this line listening to the oldie but goodie dial-up music as the machine uses ancient technology to process credit cards sales for thirty six cents.
Beeping Gas Station Pumps
How come my tiny, wee, really small cell phone can play the entire Toccata and Fugue in D Minor but the huge gas pump can only incisively beep at me.? To make matter worse there are so many different types of pumps and they all require a different method and or sequence of use.
To begin fueling press any key
Beep
NO not that key but a payment method key
Beep Beep
Outside or Inside
Beep Beep Beep
Car Wash?
Beeeeeeeeeeeeep
Somewhat clean, or not so clean ,or almost but not really clean car wash
Beeeeeep beeep bop.
Expensive, or more expensive, or really expensive fuel?
Beep beeeeep beep burp.
Handkerchiefs
Really too disgusting to discuss.
Car Ashtrays
For the most part car manufactures have stopped putting cigarette lighters in new cars but they still keep building them with ashtrays. What do we need these for except to hold all those unwanted pennies? Please, let’s just all agree to move on an do away with both ashtrays and Pennies as the Old Ways of doing things.