I hate spinning almost as much as going to the dentist to have a root canel. I would much rather take a long and pointy screwdriver and slowly stick it in my ear, than go to a spin class. This is somewhat ironic since I really love to bicycle.
But before I continue let’s get something out of the way. I know that spinning is a registered trademark of this or that corporation and to keep things kosher I should put the official “R” within a circle behind the word spinning to designate it as a registered trademark. Have you ever tried to find that symbol on your keyboard? I have and you need to type control/alt/shift/backspace while holding the page up and down keys while swinging a dead and frozen chicken around your head three times and chanting, “I love spinning.”
Now back to the main topic. Never let it be said that we here are Everyman headquarters only criticize. Indeed we are always striving to improve our sport by providing constructive ideas on how to correct and improve perceived problems. With this in mind here’s a short list of spinning issues and some simple solutions.
Issue 1: Lack of any forward motion
What I really hate about spinning is that, unlike real bicycling, you don’t go anywhere. You spend all this time and energy pushing the pedals and you don’t more a single smidgen. You just sort of sit there like a very aerobic lump on a stump. This total lack of forward motion inevitable leads to a total lack of accomplishment. At least when you have finished a real bike ride you’ve seen a bit of the word and put some miles under your belt so you feel like you’ve done something…not so after an hour of spinning.
Solution: The George Forman spinning chicken rotisserie
How much wattage do you suppose that 20 to 25 people spinning put out? I bet enough to power a descent sized chicken rotisserie. Imagine a small chicken rotisserie in the center of the spinning room (just next to the coach). As the room starts spinning and generating power, the rotisserie comes to life with the warm amber glow of a cooking chicken. Now the room shares a common purpose and goal: to spin until the chicken is a delicious golden brown. You slack a bit and that frozen chicken will never get done. Best of all when you’ve finished you have not only have a great sense of accomplishment but lunch as well.
Issue 2: Big Hair Butts
When I’m on my bike outside, I look around and behold the full spender of nature’s creation unfolds before my eyes as I ride. When I’m spinning I behold Ralph’s big hairy ass just a few feet in front of me.
Solution: The Spin Thong
Just like biking has its own fashion, it’s time for spinning to get its own clothes. Since spinning takes place in the warm and comfortable shelter of your neighbor heath club, we could certainly do away with the heavy black cycling shorts. My suggestion is the light and airy spin thong. Now you have something to look at. You’ll just have to make sure that you get the “right” bike just behind the fittest athlete to behold the splendor of nature’s creation. Word of warning…you don’t want to be late to this class to avoid the getting the “wrong” bike and behold the splendor of Ralph’s creation.
Issue 3: Standing up
Most spin classes remind of a Catholic Sunday mass. You know sit, kneel, stand, pray. In spin class you basically get the aerobic version of same thing, sit, stand, sit, spin. I don’t know about you, but on a typical bike ride I stand about 5 percent of the time. For some unknown reason in spin class they make you stand about 95 percent of the time. And I hate to stand on a spin bike with a burning passion. Since unlike a real bike, the spin bike does not rock back and forth when I stand, causing my femur to pop-out of my hip with every painful rotation.
Solution: Limit standing to only Cruise ships in Hurricanes
From now on standing and spinning will only be allowed on Cruise Ships sailing in seas of at least 20 feet or more. Because that’s about the only time that your typical spin bike will lean the same 25 degrees that you normally rock it when you stand up while actually cycling.
Issue 4: Unsightly Sweating
I know that I sweat when I bike because I drink like a fish. However one real can’t tell by looking at me. The air rushing past my body does a pretty good job of dry the sweat long before it can form beads of moisture. Best of all, the harder I work, the faster I go, and the more the sweat evaporates. Of course this does not happen during a spin class. Indeed I’m often surprised that I can’t get a second workout just by swimming to the door from all the sweat pooling on the floor.
Solution: The Zip Lock Spin Bag
I’m sure you know that seventies fashions are hot right now. I seem to recall that sometime in the late seventies everybody wore these gray water proof workouts sweats that were meant to help you lose weight by keeping the body hermetically sealed in a sort of giant zip lock bag. Let’s bring these back, and make them clear so that they don’t hide the spin thong. Just zip yourself into one of these Spin Bags, and not only will the room stay dry and sweat free but you’ll be stylin’ with that latest seventies trend. To complete the look, don’t forget the knee-high socks with the red duel red bands.
Issue 5: Her/Frau Spin Kommandant
Like many people, I don’t take well to being told what to do. And who yells at you more than the spin class kommandant. “Sit down, now stand up, now give me three turns left and two turns right, now stand up again and speed up, now sit and slow down.” Do you ever hear a please and thank you? I bet not.
The Solution: Mutiny on the bounty
When the spin Kommandant gets a little too big for his or her own britches the solution is obvious. It is time for the people to rise up and take control of the means of production. And in my perfect idea of a spin class that means the George Forman chicken rotisserie. To be fair you may want to give the spin instructor one warning like, “If we have to stand one more time, you’ll pay the price mate.” And if they refuse to listen to reason, you may want to remind them that more than just a chicken can fry during this class.
Issue 6: Adjusting the unadjustable
Today that you can spend more money on a proper bike fit than on the bike. Yet the new spin bikes have dozens of adjustment possibilities from seat high and angle to handlebar high, length and angle to finding the correct bike with the correct shoe clip. All this makes getting a proper spin bike fit about as likely as having a spin instructor that won’t make you stand 95 percent of the time.
Solution: Hit the road
Here’s a crazy idea: how about dusting off that bike in your garage and hitting the road? I’ll take the high road and you take the low road and I’ll leave spin class far behind me. And me and my real bike will never part again because of the funny funny…you get the idea.