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Everyman Endurance Show Webcast: Episode One

You asked for it, and here it is; the grand finale to a information-filled week of Newbie fun.

To wrap up Newbie week here at Everyman Triathlon, we've put together our very first Everyman Endurance Show Webcast. We have spared no expense and used the very latest in web technology to put together this show. By sparing no expense, I mean we did it on a shoestring budget, and by we, I mean me and my neighbor Tai, who generously donated his time, expertise, and equipment to make this show happen.

Thank You Tai!

So sit back, grab a beer from the fridge, or a least a nice cold glass of water, and hopefully enjoy the very first Everyman Endurance Show Webcast.

To watch the show just click the blue play tab on the player below or click on "Download file" below the player. (If you don't see the player, or can't play the video, you probably need to install Flash on your computer. You can get a free version of Flash by clicking HERE)


Download File

Don’t forget a towel for God’s Sake!

To wrap-up to Newbie week, I’ve written a race report detailing the train wreck that was my first “real” triathlon. I hope you enjoy the report as much as I hated the race.

I didn’t think that a “Sprint” triathlon consisting of a 500-meter swim, a 15-mile bike and a 4-mile run would be a big deal, but boy was I wrong.

I showed up at the start of the Louisville Legacy Triathlon early. I had a mountain bike, three set’s of clothes (one for swimming, one for biking, one for running), and two water bottles filled with warm water, a funky old helmet (the white egg shell with the orange stripes you sometimes see old guys still wearing) and my new expensive glass Revo sunglasses, which I purchased just for the race. I thought they made me look cool.

I was immediately struck by my first problem, where to rack my bike? Just for the record for all you Newbies reading this, the best answer is as close to the bike exit as possible. This way you don’t have far to run in your bike shoes.

Of course I didn’t know this. I also didn’t know that you can rack your bike pointing outwards thus making it much easier and faster to get the bike out during the race. But most of all I didn’t know I needed a towel. Most other racers had towels, but I though they were just for keeping stuff clean on the ground.

I had encountered my first real “issue” even before the start of the race. What to wear during the swim? I was smart enough to know that I couldn’t change my shorts between the swim and the bike. I figured I had a decision to make. Swim in my bike shorts or bike in my swim shorts. I choose to swim in my bike shorts.

The error of this choice became immediately apparent when I jumped in and the fluffy bike short chamois sucked up about half the water in the pool. I was now wearing something that looked like a huge black swollen baby diaper.

When I tried to swim the shorts acted like a cruise ship anchor; slowing me way down while at the same time trying to a) pull me under and b) come off. The good news was that this in no way did this actually slowed me down. Because by the end of the first lap I was breathing so hard that could barely swim at all.

Let’s talk about training for a second. I had spent almost a full month getting ready for this race. And by a full month I mean I had run 3 miles about a half a dozen times. I gone mountain biking a few times, and I had swam once at a local recreation center for some unknown distance, which I hopes was at least 10 laps(the length of the swim).

Now I was on lap two of ten and I had switched from freestyle to the IM. Of course I didn’t know what an IM was, but I was about to invent my own IM. IM in swimming usually is “Fly, Back, Breast, Free, that’s the way it’s got to be,” as the saying goes. My saying went something like this, “Free, Back, Angel, Breath, that’s the way I won’t heave.”

By lap 5 I was almost reduced to walking. Which I would have done had my legs actually been 15 feet long, the depth of the deep end of the pool.

Instead I switched to my mother's favorite stroke: the breaststroke. And I swam it just like her with my head above the water. She does this to keep her hair dry. I did it to have unfettered access to air. Also the breaststroke enable me to do the froggy kick, which also happened to be the only kick that kept my swollen diaper shorts from sinking down to my ankles.

After what seemed like an eternity, I got the last lap signal and finished the swim. I jumped out of the pool, taking half the water with me. I wish I could say that I ran to the transition area but it was much more of a waddle, as I was out of breath, dizzy and a bit disoriented.

It was in this semi-lucid state of mind that I wondered over to the transition area and immediately figured out why I needed a towel.

My plan was a simple one. I would just thrown on my biking jersey and running shoes and head out for the bike. (I had no notion of biking clips) I immediately ran into trouble. My wet and now dirty feet made it almost impossible to get my socks on. After the proper amount of jumping on one foot, strenuous tugging and swearing, I managed to get the socks on over my wet feet.

By this point I was bright red from the lack of air and the epic struggle with the socks. On the verge of passing out I went for the biking jersey. You have to know that in the best of times a typical biking jersey fits me rather tightly. Back then, truth be told, I looked like a huge swollen yellow sausage bee in my “cool” tour jersey…even at the best of times.

This was not the best of times. The friction caused by my wet and chubby skin succeeded in halting the jersey about halfway down my stomach. And no amount of profusive tugging or swearing would get it down further. It was suck somewhere above my belly but below my nipples.

Now with the just half on yellow jersey covering the top part of my body, and the swollen black diaper bike shorts covering the lower half, I really did look like a huge fat yellow sausage bee with a bight red pimple head. What to do next? I plopped down on the ground and did what any experienced age-grouper would do in a similar situation. I stole my neighbor’s towel.

OK, I didn’t really steal it, I just borrowed it, and it did the trick. With my skin dry, I was able to pull down the jersey and continue the race.

I was a “cool’ triathlete again. I was back in the race and feeling better. The swim was over and I was heading out for a “short” 15-mile bike ride. I quickly grabbed my old-school helmet and threw it on my head.

Of course I had completely forgot that I had left my sunglasses in my helmet. This had seemed like such a good place to leave them earlier in the morning. As I threw the helmet on, the new Revos sailed through the air, over my head, over the next rack, and onto the cement ground. They hit the only way possible for expensive glass sunglasses to hit, that being glass first and shattered.

I didn’t know it back but I had just learned three important lessons.

1) Train like you race. In other words, don’t try anything new like swimming in bike shorts and…
2) Find a better place for your sunglasses. Today I put them on my water bottle holder by inserting one leg between the water bottle and holder. I don’t even touch them until I’m well into the bike. The less to worry about in the first transition the better and…
3) Don’t forget a towel for God’s Sake.

Next time: I quickly realized that a mountain bike makes for a crappy triathlon bike, that is until you go off road unexpectedly.

The Number One Secret to a PB in 2006

You asked for it, so here it is: the Number One Secret to a Personal Best Time in 2006.

To find the #1 secret just click the play tab below, or click on the MP3 link (don't forget to turn up the volume on your computer) or right click on the MP3 link to download the file to your computer and your favorite iPod or MP3 player.

Top Ten Secrets to a Personal Best (PB) in 2006 Part 2

It is hard to believe that we are almost halfway through Newbie Week here at Everyman Triathlon. Your comments have been great and I’ve learned something new. That being… that woman really have no interest in peeing like a man.

But ladies have you considered the other benefits of the upright stance? I am of course referring to the ability to write your name in the snow. Regrettably this magic talent will remain in the hands and uhmmm…you know… of the male species.

My Top Ten Secrets to a Personal Best (PB) Time

Over the years I’ve learned a thing or two achieving a personal best race time. And since we are heading deeper into Newbie week, I though that I would share with you all my hard-earned racing secrets. If you are a Newbie I think these secrets will server you well this summer.

For the unheard of low price of just 4 easy payments of $19.95, I will email you the Everyman Complete Guide to Triathlon Success. And if you act right now, I will also include the Everyman Pee-Like-a-Man women’s winning race catheder. This semi-disposable catheder comes in 5 winning colors to match any race outfit. Now ladies you too can just whip it out during a race, and let it flow, just like your male training buddy.

Are You Ready For Newbie Week?

It is the start of Newbie week here at Everyman Triathlon.

I’ve got a great week planned, just for you, of very helpful advise, tips, guest authors, pearls of tri wisdom, and crazy Newbie stories to close out January...culminating in the biggest feature ever put on by Everyman Triathlon. We here in Boulder, the triathlon Mecca of the wold, have pulled out all the stops to make this the best week of Everyman Triathlon ever.

NO you didn’t?

YES we did!

And…you won’t believe the grand finale. For clues, as to what it is going to be the showstopper of this huge event, you’ll have to check back all week. We’ll do our best to try to spoil the surprise…so check back often.

To get the ball rolling here’s a great training story for Newbies and Oldies alike written by Nikki Dobbyn from www.triathanewbie.com:

Back to Triathlon Training

It's the beginning of the year and the beginning of triathlon training for those of you who are competing in your first triathlon or for those of you who have taken a long time off and it feels like the first one. Here are some tips on getting your body back in gear and ready for the season.

Swim:
Let's get something straight. It's hard for EVERYONE to get back into the pool. There are three things you always remember about the pool after taking a long break: being cold, feeling like a million bucks and being cold and wet (in that order). The best way to get yourself back into the pool is to have a swim buddy that will motivate you. The second best way to get yourself back into the pool is to imagine how you will feel during your first competition when you get tired in the middle of the swim and have to back float back to shore. Both have their merits!

If you have a very difficult time entering water that you feel is hypothermic, find another pool. You will never get a good swim workout if you don't ever get into the pool. If you have thicker skin, then the only thing you have to remember is to head to the pool at the designated lap swim time. Arrive at your local pool prepared. Bring goggles, a swim cap, your swim suit and a towel.

Find the appropriate lane by watching the other swimmers. If they are swimming at a pace you can swim, then enter that lane. Remember, your pace may be a bit slower where you haven't been in the pool in a while. If you are a brand new swimmer, you should try the slow lane first. If you don't know how to swim, you should take some lessons before committing to a triathlon training program.

Do not expect to swim a mile if you haven't swam in a long time. Just start swimming long gliding strokes to get your muscles used to the motions again. Take breaks when you need breaks. Don't kill yourself trying to do an amazingly hard workout or you will surely be disappointed. Your goal is to get your heart and muscles moving--that's it! When you've had enough, look at the clock to see how long you swam. Now you have a starting point for your next swim.

Bike:
If you have four seasons, you can look outside right now and see snow, ice, cold rain and/or a wintery combination. None of these sound like conditions neither you nor I would like to ride in. There are options, however. Find a local gym that offers Spin Classes. Start with a beginner class if you've never participated in a class before. Bring a hand towel and a water bottle (or two). Wear bike shorts, a tank top and sneakers under your winter traveling gear.

I promise that you will get really hot and thirsty and you'll be thrilled that you have these things. Let the teacher know that you are new so he/she can help you adjust your bike to fit your body. You run the risk of being injured if your bike is not properly set. Hop on and have a blast! Remember to sit when you get tired, sit if you get lightheaded and keep on peddling no matter how you feel. You can peddle slowly until you feel better. Then you can rejoin the class. By the way, your butt will hurt for a few days afterwards--it happens to EVERYONE.

A second option is to buy a Trainer. If you already have a great road bike, you can purchase a stand (Trainer) that will lift up the rear wheel and allow you to bike miles without leaving your living room. You can put on your favorite TV show or music and pump away! Try varying your speeds a bit, standing and sitting. If you feel lightheaded or tired, back off a bit. When you've had enough, look at the clock to see how long you biked. Now you have a starting point for your next bike.

Run:
If you like running outside, be careful. Winter brings with it some tough conditions like ice, snow banks, and crazy drivers. You don't want to be near any of them! Find a safe place to train, like a running path or treadmill, and begin by walking briskly. If this is too easy, add some hills. If this is too easy, jog. If you get tired slow down a bit. If you have more energy, pick up the pace.

It's all about getting your body used to moving. It will respond and you will progress! Wear appropriate clothing for being in the temperature you will be running. Layers are always a good idea. You can always take one off and tie it around your waste while you're training. Wear material that wicks the moisture away from your body. Nothing is worse than being hot on the inside and cold/wet on the outside. When you are finished, look at the clock to see how long you ran. Now you have a starting point for your next run.

Set Realistic Goals:
If your mini-triathlon is in July and it's a .25 mile swim, 10 mile bike and 3 mile run, set realistic goals on a calendar so that you can be able to reach them by the time the event rolls around. You have 7 months to prepare. It works the same for any distance triathlon event. Plan ahead so that you are prepared. Plan your practices so that they are challenging, but don't make them so difficult that you can't finish them. It's tough on your body and will leave you mentally disappointed every time.

Triathlon training is supposed to make you feel great inside! Yes, you will have some aches and pains, but you should feel like a million bucks once you've completed the workout. There are also some great books that give detailed practices and triathlon groups that you can join for motivation and support. Check them out!

If you can’t stand the heat…

I posted my story about Lance Armstrong (see below) on the Slowtwitch discussion forum. For those of you who may be wondering, ST has one of the bigger triathlon discussion forums on the web.

It is the place that those who are “in” or think they are “in” or want to be “in” or are indeed “real” triathletes like to hang out…at least that's what a number of people who know these things have told me. As I write this my story had 1730 views.

It was certainly an interesting day, and I pretty much got my butt handed to me on a silver platter. Here’s a sample of some of the comments from the folks on the forum today who choose to express an opinion:

Marcus Marcus wrote after copying the first sentence of my post:

“So it was very refreshing to see the 2004 women’s Ironman winner Nina “the Machina” Kraft say, “Yup…you got me. I sure did use EPO. I screwed up” after she tested positive for EPO.

Not sure how refreshing that is. I would say it is more refreshing to find out that they don't cheat at all. Not that when they get caught they admit. There is nothing admirable about cheating and does not deserve a positive spin at all.”

That seemed liked like a good point but wait for it.

One_lap wrote after also copying one sentence from my post:

“I suppose that if you really pressed me on the Lance question…Nobody pressed you; you posted this tired retread without any provocation. Stop shilling your site. This is worse than the frigging rules you made up a couple weeks ago.”

Record10carbon jumped in with this comment:

“Someone needs to find you a flame suit”

Flames, of course, being negative comments expressed my way.

beatnic_tx got a hold of that comment and added:

“Do the fat guy sizes cost more? If so that can be the subject of his next story.”

And you didn’t have to wait long as Marcus Marcus added:

“ouch”

Thanks Marcus Marcus for the support.

Now there were a few other choice comments that were even a wee bit nastier. Besides being accused of shilling, I was also accused of Internet stalking. But the best comment came from somebody called “Lance” as posted on my web site:

“You're an as@$%! Drop the Lance sh@%@! What - are you French?”

Somehow I suspect that Lance may have found his way over here from ST.

You are welcome to read the entire exchange HERE.

A coaching friend of mine made an interesting comment. He read the entire exchange and said that he was surprised at how much negative energy people put into their comments. Which got me thinking. Is it the anonymity Internet that makes lions out of ice weasels or did I walk into a den angry triathletes?

I’m well aware that people are passionate about Lance and his accomplishments. But the negative comments had very little to do with my Lance story. They were nasty comments about me.

For those of you who read my stuff must know that I spend most of my race time at the butt of the spear…in other words, toward the tail end of the race. The athletes in my part of the woods tend to be very supportive and encouraging. We are all part on the same triathlon team and ego and pride play a very small role. Most everybody is competing for a personal best and not trying to crush their competition.

The running and triathlete friends I’ve come to know in the blog world are also very encouraging and very positive. Thanks gang for all your nice comments and emails. They really mean a lot to me. I really appreciate you coming by my site and saying “Hi” It is what keeps me writing.

I suppose if you can’t stand the heat, stay of the kitchen, or at least the slowtwich discussion forum.

On the other hand perhaps I just ran into a bunch of ice weasels pretending to be lions.

I’ll end this story with one of my favorite sayings from Matt Groening's Love Is Hell comic strip adapted for my own purpose:

“Triathlon is like a snowmobile racing across ice. Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night…the ice weasels come!”

So for all you negative slowtwitch ice weasels I have this invitation. Come race the 2006 Boulder Peak Triathlon at 5430 feet above sea level and show me what you can do when you are not hiding behind your computer.

Did Lance Cheat?

Whenever Lance Armstrong is mentioned in a conversation the elephant in the room is always performance enhancing drugs. He could be on OLN, or the Jay Leno Show, or on CNN, but I always have this feeling that people are wondering if he was clean when he won the tour a record 7 times.

I’m not sure it really matters. Does it matter to you? It is all just so much water under the bridge now that he has retired. Sure there are lots of people out there who want to knock him of his thrown by proving that he cheated. And I must admit that there is a certain part of me that wants to know the truth. But at the end of the day I really loved watching Lance kick some European Cycling ass…and I’m European.

The fact of the matter is that Lance did something that we all love to see. He beat the European biking elite at their own game, on their own turf, in their most hallowed biking hall…the Tour De France. And that’s the part that the French will never forgive. It would be like a Frenchmen crushing Babe Ruth’s homerun records, or an Italian team winning the Superbowl. Could America ever believe this possible without thinking of some sort of cheating to justify the victory? Could Americans let this stand?

I think the answer is yes. In some ways this continues to separate the New World from the Old World. In America there is a level playing field for immigrants and most Americans still love the underdog. Just because you are from Peoria or Peking does not make you any better or worse in the eyes of the locals. Americans still cheer for the new comers, or at least don’t get in their way when they work hard to realize their American dream.

So if an Italian team did compete in this year’s Superbowl…let’s call them the Linguine Lions. Certainly most Americans would cheer for their home team. But if the Linguine Lions won, I think the Linguine Lions would be accepted, and dare I say it, even embraced.

I was in Lillehammer for the 1994 winter Olympics. What struck me the most was how the Norwegians cheered for every nationality. It didn’t matter if the skier was Russian, French, Italian, or German; they cheered just as hard for all the athletes. This is something that I try to remember every time I race. It doesn’t matter if I’m being passed, or if I’m doing the passing, a word of encouragement to my fellow racers always make me feel good.

I suppose that if you really pressed me on the Lance question, I’d say that in my opinion Lance probably did cheat and he used some sort of performance enhancing drugs. Why? I have four reasons. None of my reasons are scientific, and most are from my gut, so take them with a grain of salt.

Reason # 1
I believe that the sport of professional biking is one of the dirtiest (when it comes to performance enhancing drugs) sports in the world. I have this feeling that we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. The news is filled with this pro cyclist and that pro getting busted for doping or using some sort of banned substance. Funny thing is they all say the same thing when they are caught with their hand in the steroid jar, “It wasn’t my fault, I must have somehow eaten a tainted food supplement or somehow gotten a bad blood transfusion.”

So it was very refreshing to see the 2004 women’s Ironman winner Nina “the Machina” Kraft say, “Yup…you got me. I sure did use EPO. I screwed up” after she tested positive for EPO.

Reason # 2
I have little or no confidence in the ability of the sanctioning body to police the sport. I recall a surprise police raid on a hotel a few years ago hosing one of the elite cycling teams during one of the big European races. It quickly turned into a sort of Marx Brothers movie with mysterious bags of pills and syringes being thrown out windows and flushed down toilets. This does not speak well for the sanctioning body’s ability to police the problem.

The entire Balco drug scandal that changed the face of American baseball and track and field is a case and point. The only reason we even know about the designer steroid used by many of the top athletes implicated in the scandal is that a used syringe (full of the steroid) was anonymously sent to a testing lab. Until that syringe arrived in the mail, none of the watchdogs even knew that the designer steroid existed. Once again, this speaks volumes about the sanctioning body’s ability to police the sport.

This also brings up an interesting problem. Lance has passed every drug test given to him, but how do they test for a drug they don't even know exists? We can only take Lance at his word.

Reason #3
Did you know that statistically the incident of testicular cancer in the general young male population is extremely low? Yet the incident of testicular cancer in professional young male athletes is extremely high…at least when compared to the general population of young men. Have you ever wondered why this is? Could it have to do with testosterone use or overuse? I’m certainly not a doctor but somebody should look into this smoking gun.

Reason #4
Very successful people tend to be very driven to succeed…no matter what the cost. Just image that you have spent your entire life pursuing one goal. You have worked for this chance to grab the victory, the fame, the money and the success, not to mention the admiration of millions. You find out that the playing field is not all that level. So as you see it, you really only have two choices. You can play by the official rules and most likely lose, or you can play by the rules that everybody else is using and win. Which do you choose? I suspect that most of us would choose winning over losing, riches over rags, and fame over the life of the domestique.

And that’s why I don’t think that it really matters what Lance did or did not do. The fact is that he won 7 times in one of the hardest sporting events on the earth. I believe that he won by playing by the unofficial rules of the game. Are these the rules that everyone uses, I certainly hope so because a large part of me likes to see Lance kick some serious European Cycling ass.

At the same time, it could be that I have been blinded by Lance’s great accomplishments over years. I feel like I owe him so much for the long hours of great OLN entertainment he provided. It was magnificent watching a small-town-boy from Texas conquer the Alps and stamp his authority on the tour year after year.

I loved seeing him dance on his bike as he climbed, while leaving all the others in his dust. It was so terrific to see him crash, get back on his bike, and still win the tour. I had shivers running down my spine when this kid brought up by a struggling single mom took the old school mountain bike way through the field, on that harrowing descent, where others crashed. I had tears in my eyes as he drank the champagne on the last day, of his last tour.

These are some of the greatest sports memories of my generation. So does it really matter if he really cheated? I want to believe that it does not matter…that everything is now just so much water under the bridge. But I can’t help but feeling that the elephant in the room will just not go away.

I sincerely hope that when the matter is final settled and the elephant leaves the room, I can still look back at the Lance years with pride, few tears and smile in my heart.

Calling Your Inner CEO

Are you a CEO? No.

Do you have an inner CEO that wants to be treated like a king at your next race? If so, Ted Kennedy is your man. Ted is the President of CEO Challenges. He started out his Ironman career with Ironman North America but recent began his own company to exclusively cater to the CEO crowd.

This year CEO Challenges will host an Ironman CEO Challenge on every continent plus Ted is expanding the business to include our running and golfing friends.

Now I realize that I have not explained what the Ironman CEO challenge is and what Ted’s company does. I promise you that his job is very interesting and possibly the easiest and best way for you to compete in an Ironman or marathon.

Are you curious?

Just listen to the Everyman interview by just click the play tab below, or click on the link to the MP3 file and download it to your favorite iPod or MP3 player.


MP3 File

Why I hate Spinning

I hate spinning almost as much as going to the dentist to have a root canel. I would much rather take a long and pointy screwdriver and slowly stick it in my ear, than go to a spin class. This is somewhat ironic since I really love to bicycle.

But before I continue let’s get something out of the way. I know that spinning is a registered trademark of this or that corporation and to keep things kosher I should put the official “R” within a circle behind the word spinning to designate it as a registered trademark. Have you ever tried to find that symbol on your keyboard? I have and you need to type control/alt/shift/backspace while holding the page up and down keys while swinging a dead and frozen chicken around your head three times and chanting, “I love spinning.”

Now back to the main topic. Never let it be said that we here are Everyman headquarters only criticize. Indeed we are always striving to improve our sport by providing constructive ideas on how to correct and improve perceived problems. With this in mind here’s a short list of spinning issues and some simple solutions.

Issue 1: Lack of any forward motion

What I really hate about spinning is that, unlike real bicycling, you don’t go anywhere. You spend all this time and energy pushing the pedals and you don’t more a single smidgen. You just sort of sit there like a very aerobic lump on a stump. This total lack of forward motion inevitable leads to a total lack of accomplishment. At least when you have finished a real bike ride you’ve seen a bit of the word and put some miles under your belt so you feel like you’ve done something…not so after an hour of spinning.

Solution: The George Forman spinning chicken rotisserie

How much wattage do you suppose that 20 to 25 people spinning put out? I bet enough to power a descent sized chicken rotisserie. Imagine a small chicken rotisserie in the center of the spinning room (just next to the coach). As the room starts spinning and generating power, the rotisserie comes to life with the warm amber glow of a cooking chicken. Now the room shares a common purpose and goal: to spin until the chicken is a delicious golden brown. You slack a bit and that frozen chicken will never get done. Best of all when you’ve finished you have not only have a great sense of accomplishment but lunch as well.

Issue 2: Big Hair Butts

When I’m on my bike outside, I look around and behold the full spender of nature’s creation unfolds before my eyes as I ride. When I’m spinning I behold Ralph’s big hairy ass just a few feet in front of me.

Solution: The Spin Thong

Just like biking has its own fashion, it’s time for spinning to get its own clothes. Since spinning takes place in the warm and comfortable shelter of your neighbor heath club, we could certainly do away with the heavy black cycling shorts. My suggestion is the light and airy spin thong. Now you have something to look at. You’ll just have to make sure that you get the “right” bike just behind the fittest athlete to behold the splendor of nature’s creation. Word of warning…you don’t want to be late to this class to avoid the getting the “wrong” bike and behold the splendor of Ralph’s creation.

Issue 3: Standing up

Most spin classes remind of a Catholic Sunday mass. You know sit, kneel, stand, pray. In spin class you basically get the aerobic version of same thing, sit, stand, sit, spin. I don’t know about you, but on a typical bike ride I stand about 5 percent of the time. For some unknown reason in spin class they make you stand about 95 percent of the time. And I hate to stand on a spin bike with a burning passion. Since unlike a real bike, the spin bike does not rock back and forth when I stand, causing my femur to pop-out of my hip with every painful rotation.

Solution: Limit standing to only Cruise ships in Hurricanes

From now on standing and spinning will only be allowed on Cruise Ships sailing in seas of at least 20 feet or more. Because that’s about the only time that your typical spin bike will lean the same 25 degrees that you normally rock it when you stand up while actually cycling.

Issue 4: Unsightly Sweating

I know that I sweat when I bike because I drink like a fish. However one real can’t tell by looking at me. The air rushing past my body does a pretty good job of dry the sweat long before it can form beads of moisture. Best of all, the harder I work, the faster I go, and the more the sweat evaporates. Of course this does not happen during a spin class. Indeed I’m often surprised that I can’t get a second workout just by swimming to the door from all the sweat pooling on the floor.

Solution: The Zip Lock Spin Bag

I’m sure you know that seventies fashions are hot right now. I seem to recall that sometime in the late seventies everybody wore these gray water proof workouts sweats that were meant to help you lose weight by keeping the body hermetically sealed in a sort of giant zip lock bag. Let’s bring these back, and make them clear so that they don’t hide the spin thong. Just zip yourself into one of these Spin Bags, and not only will the room stay dry and sweat free but you’ll be stylin’ with that latest seventies trend. To complete the look, don’t forget the knee-high socks with the red duel red bands.

Issue 5: Her/Frau Spin Kommandant

Like many people, I don’t take well to being told what to do. And who yells at you more than the spin class kommandant. “Sit down, now stand up, now give me three turns left and two turns right, now stand up again and speed up, now sit and slow down.” Do you ever hear a please and thank you? I bet not.

The Solution: Mutiny on the bounty

When the spin Kommandant gets a little too big for his or her own britches the solution is obvious. It is time for the people to rise up and take control of the means of production. And in my perfect idea of a spin class that means the George Forman chicken rotisserie. To be fair you may want to give the spin instructor one warning like, “If we have to stand one more time, you’ll pay the price mate.” And if they refuse to listen to reason, you may want to remind them that more than just a chicken can fry during this class.

Issue 6: Adjusting the unadjustable

Today that you can spend more money on a proper bike fit than on the bike. Yet the new spin bikes have dozens of adjustment possibilities from seat high and angle to handlebar high, length and angle to finding the correct bike with the correct shoe clip. All this makes getting a proper spin bike fit about as likely as having a spin instructor that won’t make you stand 95 percent of the time.

Solution: Hit the road

Here’s a crazy idea: how about dusting off that bike in your garage and hitting the road? I’ll take the high road and you take the low road and I’ll leave spin class far behind me. And me and my real bike will never part again because of the funny funny…you get the idea.

Core Strengthening Exercises for TriathaNewbies

I’ve been speaking with some of the local pro triathletes here in Boulder, the Mecca of triathlon, and asking them about what’s the secret to their speed. I thought they’d say things like speed workouts, great nutrition, mental stamina or EPO (just kidding guys and gals). It turns out that they all rave about core strength…especially during base training. I was surprised to learn the pros use yoga and pilates, among other ways, to build core strength.

Now to me core strength means being able to get out of bed without grunting. Lucky my web friend Niki Dobbyn, who runs TriathaNewbie.com, knows a lot more about the subject. So I’ve borrowed the following story about core strength workouts. I think that it gives a great way to build strength, plus I like the little pictures/diagrams. For some strange reason they make me really smile:

We challenge ourselves with triathlons, training year round to keep our aerobic levels and technical skills to a point where we can compete to our body's potential, but sometimes we forget that not all of our bodies are made for the wear and tear that accompanies such a demanding schedule. Professional athletes have personal trainers, but the average triathletes have to listen to our bodies and interpret the signals to our best ability. We all have aches and pains that we deal with on a regular basis, and we work through them. Occasionally though, we misinterprets the pain signals and try to push through aches and pains that should be addressed and not pushed through.

One of the most common problems triathletes face is a weak lower back. If we push though lower back pain instead of address it, there is a possibility that we will have to discontinue working out altogether to recover from related injuries. But if we can detect the weakness ahead of time, there are exercises we can do to build up our lower back muscles before we injure them.

Warm Up:
Before you start these exercises, be sure that your body has had a sufficient warm-up. You can walk for 15 minutes on a treadmill, go out for an easy 15 minute rollerblade or jog around the block a few times. Take a few minutes afterwards to stretch out so that you do not pull any muscles while following the exercise drills below.

Exercise 1: (see fig 1)
Grab an exercise ball and sit on it. Roll down the ball carefully until only your neck and head are on the ball. Push your butt up so that your back is aligned with your head and neck. Bend your knees and plant your feet firmly on the floor. Try and keep your knees close to together. They don't have to touch. If you are having pain in your knees, position them comfortably to avoid injury.

Keep your body in position and raise both arms so that they are perpendicular to your body. Keeping your left arm in place, lower the right arm down to your side. Then bring it back up. Keeping your right arm in place, lower the left arm down to your side. Then bring it back up. Be sure to keep your body posture through these arm movements. Start out by completing 1 minute of these exercises. Then, as you get better, move up to 2 minutes.

To challenge yourself even more, grab some stretchy bands and ask a friend to help out or use a pole. Slide into the same position listed above, but have your friend or the pole stand behind you and hold the stretchy band in the middle while you hold the two ends. You will do the same exercise above, but this time you will have resistance. This will work your core muscles, specifically your lower back and butt muscles as well as simulate a freestyle-like arm movement that will certainly strengthen your swim.

You can do this same exercise but change it up to work other muscles by having the friend or the poll on the other side of you, standing down by your knees. Instead of lowering each arm to your side like the exercise above, lower each arm the opposite way and brush your biceps by your cheek. Make sure your arm is straight and not bent. Again, start out doing 1 minute drills and move to 2 minutes as you get stronger. To get out of this position, let go of the stretchy bands, put your hands on the floor and sit down carefully. Move the ball away and stand when you are ready.

Exercise 2: (see fig 2)
Keep the exercise ball and rest only your calves and feet on it. The rest of your body should be lying flat on an exercise mat. Your arms should be facing palm down next to you body on each side for balance. After you have gotten yourself into this position, you want to push your butt up into the air so that you can draw a straight line from your neck to your ankles. Do not arch your back. The straight line is the key! In this position, you want to lower your butt to the mat and raise it back to the initial position slowly. You will feel your butt and thigh muscles working! Start out doing a two sets of 10 slow sets and move to 20 when you feel strong enough to complete them. To make this workout harder, roll the ball so that only your ankles and feet are on it. It will make your butt and thigh muscles work harder producing much better results. To get out of this position, put your butt on the floor, bend your knees, push the ball away and put your legs on the floor. Simply sit up from there and stand up when you are ready.

Exercise 3: (see fig 3)
Continue using the exercise ball and lay face down on your belly. Put both hands and both feet on the floor to gain your balance. Once you have your balance, raise your right arm and left leg at the same time. Then lower them back to the ground and raise your left arm and right leg. Do not raise your hand higher than your head or your leg higher than your butt. You should be using your lower back muscles to do raise and lower your arms and legs. If you are not sure whether or not you are using these muscles, ask a friend to feel your lower back while you are doing this drill to make sure they are flexing. Just a tip: Be sure to keep your head facing down or you may strain your neck muscles.

Start out by completing 1 minute of these exercises. Then, as you get better, move up to 2 minutes. To get out of this position, simply put all hands and feet on the floor, roll back so that your knees are on the ground, and sit back on your feet. Roll the ball away and stand up when you are ready.

Warm Down
When you are finished, take a few minutes to stretch and think about the drills. If you are having problems with these drills, ask a friend to watch or exercise in front of a mirror so that you can see if your body is properly aligned.

The Fountain of Youth

This morning I was standing on line at my favorite bagel shop when I overheard the following conversation between two avid elderly and most likely retired runners.

man: “So what did the doctor say?”

women: “She said that I need to stop running for a few months to let my feet recover.”

man: “I know that’s going to be hard for you to do.”

women: “The doctor suggested that I take-up swimming. She’s a triathlete and that’s what she does.”

man: “How old is your doctor?”

women:“I think she’s in her thirties”

man: “No wonder, wait until she’s 79 like you.”

At this point I jumped into the conversation and said, “I think swimming is great exercise, best of all it doesn’t beat up your body like running. You should consider it as a alternative to running.”

Both of them looked at me like I had just suggested that they take a stroll to the moon. It’s a look I’ve seen before. It says you must be crazy, do you know how old I am and wait until you are my age and some young wiper snapper makes such a crazy comment.

I suppose taking up swimming at the age of 79 is pretty tough. On the other hand I swim with an 80-year-old women who started seriously swimming only a couple years ago. But isn’t that really the other definition of getting old? Not the definition that is measured by years, but the one that is measured by attitude. Don't we all get more conservative as we get older?

I looked up conservative in the dictionary and here’s the definition: “Favoring traditional views and values; tending to oppose change. Moderate and cautious”

I think that we all get conservative as we get older. I’m not talking about the political definition but the personal and emotional one. It becomes much more difficult for us to change our views and try new things. We have a lifetime full of experience, social expectations and emotional scabs that prevents us from taking the plunge into something new.

For instance my young son just took up boogie boarding when we were in Hawaii. We went to the beach, he saw the waves, and the other kids playing in the surf, and he threw himself into the ocean. A few hours later he was riding the waves like an old hand.

But for me it was harder. I knew what those big waves could do if I got it wrong. I didn’t want to look silly out there, and I certainly didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of my family and the locals. I had a lifetime of experience and fear to over come, which I did.

And I’m happy to report that the first big wave picked my up, slapped me around like an angry pimp, pulled off my swim trunks, and spat me out, butt naked, on the shore in front of my family and half the population of the big Island. But I rode the next one….after I quickly pulled up my shorts and washed the sand out of my butt.

My friend Fred likes to say that “Time wounds all heals.” And yes I’m still a bit traumatized from being so forcibly strip searched in front of the entire beach. But I figure my family has seen me naked and hopefully the locals thought I was some misguided German tourist.

I think that’s why I like competing in triathlons so much. It is seriously hard to be personally conservative and be a triathlete. The sport has a way of pulling you out of your comfort zone.

For example, it’s not too much of a stretch to be a collegiate swimmer or runner and compete in a masters level race. You spent your entire childhood on the track or in the pool, so what’s so hard about racing when you turn thirty something?

But with triathlon you don’t have the luxury to just run and swim. You also have to bike. And since the sport is still new there are very few if any thirty something’s triathlete that competed when they were young.

That means that by definition most age-group triathletes picked up the sport, or a least parts of the sport, later in life. And to me that means that we are not personally conservative. Or if you want to flip over the coin and look at the other side, it means we have found the fountain of youth.

Funny thing this search for the fountain of youth. People have been looking for it as long as people have been around. And for just as long other people have been making a living selling youth to those seeking it.

The pharmaceutical would have you believe that youth can be bottled and put into a little blue pill that makes your wee ready to whoopee.

The doctors would have you believe that youth can be restored with a scalpel, and nip here and a tuck there, and a few ounces of silicone placed in the proper locations.

The diet purveyors would like you to believe that you can find youth by only eating meat or vegetables, or fruits that begin with the letter z, or avoiding all carbs on the first, third and seventh leap year, eating only happy fish, or it is sad broccoli?

The cosmetic industry would like you to believe that you can apply youth to your skin by the ounce from a potion made of the bones of the Humuhumunukunuku fish and combined in a sterile lab with seaweed and peanut butter.

The travel gurus want you to know that youth and happiness can be found in the glossy brochures of their packaged holidays to the sun trenched islands of the Bahamas, or the warm Caribbean waters of the Gulf of Mexico.

The mall operators want you to know that youth can be found in the music filled stores and shops in the open and safe shopping arcade.

The ancient Orientals would like you to believe that you can restore your youth and vigor by snacking on a diet of tiger penis, shark fins and rhino horns.

The tobacco industry want you to know that youth can be found in the wispy cool and refreshing smoke of a menthol cigarette.

But we know that that’s all a bunch of Madison Avenue magic.

I believe youth can’t be leased, bartered or bought. It’s free for the taking as long as you are willing to take it. And that’s why I really love triathletes and sport of triathlon. We’re a small community of athletes who have taken up the challenge to stay young in both body and mind.

We have shared attitude that life is for living. Given the choice of watching the tiger pass by or taking it by the tail, we choose the tail. And in this struggle, I believe we end up somewhere quite unexpected. We end up at the fountain of youth. (and no it is not in Florida)

OK, so sometimes we end up butt-naked on the beach with sand up our ass but I figure that’s a small price for the fountain of youth.

The Best Kept Ironman Secret of 2006

Who is the man behind the mask? He's got a secret that you'll want to know.

Do you want to rub shoulders with the best triathletes in the word at the Ironman World Championships in Kona this year. You can!

Our mystery man is Luis Vargas, who works and trains and plays with Mark Allen. He also happens to run MarkAllenOnline.com. This great web site is one of the surest ways for you to increase your performance in 2006. Check it out by clicking HERE or the link above.

But more importantly Luis has a secret. He knows how you can get into this year's Kona race without having to win your age group or even break 15 hours in a qualifying race.

Interested?

Just listen to the Everyman interview by just click the play tab below, or click on the link to the MP3 file and download it to your favorite iPod or MP3 player and you could be on your way to Kona in 2006.


MP3 File

The Road to Kona

The Road to Kona is a hilly one. When you watch the Kona Ironman race on television the bike course seems flat. But when you actually get on the road to Kona you are immediate surprised by how hilly it is and by all the crazy graffiti. More on this is a sec.

I arrived in Kona, Hawaii last week for just one day of fun in the sun. By the way AlooooHA (as they say in Hawaeee) to all.

I arrived by cruise ship tender right next to where the swim starts. I had come to Kona to frolic in the surf and sun with my family, but I was immediately amazed at the number of triathletes swimming the course. There’s a tiny beach, about the size of your average garage door, tucked into the corner of the bay. You climb down a few small steps to get to the “beach” and pass by kids who are snorkeling, and you are on the swim course.

It is outlined by a series of buoys that mark the course and distance, and you are free to swim 2.4 miles by following the buoy line straight out into the bay. The warmth, clarity and saltiness of the water immediately took me by surprise. For those of us who normally swim in a pool, it takes a bit of getting used to. Trust me, you don’t want to open your mouth, as I did, the first few strokes.

The salt water settles in the back of your throat, making you immediately thirsty. This is not a happy feeling for the 2.4 miles of the swim. What is a happy feeling is the scenery. There are numerous colorful small and surprisingly big fish swimming below you. So many in fact that I had a hard time concentrating on my swim stroke.

I’d take a stroke and immediately notice some big-ass fish a few feet below me. “Oh look at the size of that fish,” I’d think to myself. “Holly crap is that a shark?” There are definitely no sharks in my Colorado pool. “That can’t be a shark, it has an orange stripe, Phew!” A few strokes furter down the course and I’d spot another big-ass fish. “Is that a shark?”I thought to myself” as I tried to judge the dorsal fin for its sharkiness factor…and so it went while I swam.

A more pleasant surprise was the warmth and buoyancy of the water. The salt in the water made it like swimming in a wetsuit. I know this because every so often I would stop, terrified that the fish below me was indeed a man-eating shark, only to notice how easily I floated without kicking…which was good as I thought kicking might attract sharks.

Just for the record, as far as I know nobody has ever been even remotely eyes-up, let alone attacked, by a shark during the race. But these fears are not logical, so I did a lot of floating and wide-eyed staring down.

A quick word about the waves, they are pretty big for the most part but also mostly harmless. I’ve come to accept that big ocean swells like these are actually much easier to swim in than small choppy lake waves. The ocean swells pick you up and gently put you back down. The small choppy lake waves break over your head and make it hard to breathe and see. I’ll take the Kona swells, thank you very much.

Now I wish I could report that I actually rode a bike on the course, but remember that I was in Kona to frolic in the surf with my family. So I did the next best thing. I drove to a beach that happened to be on the bike course. This means that I drove about 25 miles of the bike route.

I can report back that it is surprisingly hilly. I believe that it official has about 6000 feet of elevation gain. This is pretty considerable when you consider that the big island is also very windy.

I always believed that the Hawaiian trade winds were soft and gentle. Sort of like God giving you a gentle puff as you sit on the pristine beach, under the gently swaying palm trees. After all, this is what the post cards like to show.

Forget it! The wind comes howling across the pacific at something like 15-25 mph. It hammers you in the face and threatens to blow off any loose articles of clothing like hats or poorly tied bikinis.

I rented a Tony Soprano-sized Chrysler 300 and it was getting blown around as I drove the course. “Toto were back in tornado Kansas,” was my main thought as I wondered how really hard it would be to peddle 112 miles into this wind.

At least you have the Kona graffiti to look at and keep your mind occupied as you hammer into the wind on the bike course. The course is lined with hundred of messages written in white rocks. The volcanic ground is mostly jet-black and the local have taken to spelling out messages with white rocks on the jet-black ground. Many of the messages profess a deep love for this guy or that gal. But there is a fair share of triathlon graffiti that encourages racers along the course.

I’m not making this up. My wife spotted a message that said “Go Roman …20005!” Roman, who ever you are, I hope you did our name proud and kicked some serious butt in last year’s race!

By the afternoon it was time for us to head back to our cruise ship and I was stunned at how warn it had gotten. The black lava radiates heat and the hot winds don’t do much to cool down the place.

We drove by the Natural Energy Lab. This is where the run course makes a left and heads into the lava field for a 4-mile loop toward the sea before heading back to town. I was even feeling hot just thinking about running in the air-conditioned splendor of my rented luxury cruiser. I was also stuck in stop-and-go traffic. I have to admit that my dream of island paradise does not include traffic. But here I was stuck like a bug in a rug. Creepy slowly forward I looked down at the speedometer, and figured at an average speed of 6 mph, it will probably take us longer to get back to town than the pros take running the course.

Of course the difference being that I was sittin’ back with the air blowing in my face, jamming to island music, while they were running 26.2 miles, in blistering heat, with hot winds, through a jet-black lava field. All of a sudden, the big-ass fish didn’t seem so bad any more.

Here’s an idea for the WTC. Any chance of making the swim last in Kona…just a suggestion. Mahola!

Unfriendly Skies

The old legacy airlines should call it quits today. They have completely lost their way and totally forgotten about their customers. I just flew United to Hawaii and I have to assume that no one from the company’s management team has flown in seat 898 Z, like I just did, in over a decade.

Because if they had they would book their next flight on Frontier, Jet Blue or Southwest. Kind ladies and gentlemen of the management team, since when is the average American sized like an Unpa Lumpa? Because an Unpa Lumpa is about the only customer that might feel comfortable in your airplanes seats.

I don’t even begin to fit into seat 898 Z. And if the Unpa Lumpa in front of me decides to lean in his chair back, I’m left with two option. 1) spend six hours with my knees pressed against my cheeks or 2) spend 6 hours with my feet in the aisle tripping every other passenger on the flight. There is of course a 3rd option. I could surgically remove my legs, and I would have, had I been able to carry on something sharp enough to do a proper job.

Speaking of a proper job. Since when have all your flights attendance become surly-old-tired-disgruntled-unhappy-stubborn-chubby-way-over-the-hill curmudgeons? Here’s a free tip for the management team. When you conduct your flight attendant training you may want to add a new criteria. Any flight attendant that can’t squeeze through the emergency door without either a) a big push by the rest of the crew or b) liberal amounts of body lubrication from on board supplies like butter, should be suspended and put on a strict diet of weight watchers.

I certainly couldn’t get any butter on the flight to save my life. What, God forbid, would happen if the rotund flight attended on my recent flight got stuck, like a cork in a bottle, in the emergency door? There’s no way we’d be able to get enough butter to grease her down and squeeze her through the door.

Which reminds me of a flight I flew back home from Germany on Lufthansa. I was sitting in the emergency row that has the armrest with the built in food trays that don’t flip up. When, to my complete horror, this really chubby guy comes down the aisle sideways. He was so wide that he has to turn sideways to walk down the aisle. I suspect that he enjoyed his beer and schnitzel a bit too much over the years. I’m just praying that that he passes by, but sure enough he plops down next to me. Except that he really couldn’t plop down, as he has to wriggle his butt back and forth into the seat between the solid arm rests.

Now he’s wedged in the seat next to me like quarter in a penny slot. I’m about to pass out from lack of oxygen as I’m wedged between him and the emergency door. This is not really his fault as he’s trying to give me room, but he just sort of spills onto my seat cramming me against the door.

I’m facing a 13-hours flight with the knowledge of certain death for the rest of the passengers, should we ever actually need the emergency door. Because it is obviously to anyone looking that he wasn’t going to make it through the smallish emergency door without loosing about 100 pounds.

Luckily the German flight attendant is watching this unfold through his very stylish Germanic eyeglasses as shaking his head in a “This vill not do” sort of way.

Without any prompting from me he moves the dude to TWO seats in the back row. Did you know that they actually have seat belt extenders on commercial airplanes?

Perhaps Lufthansa could offer their training program to United. The only initiative I saw my crew take was when it was time to leave the plane. They seemed to gain a new hustle in their step. This hustle certainly was completely lacking, as they brought around the weird no name wafers they now call snacks.

I was stuck behind the snack cart (having gotten up to go to the bathroom) as the flight attendants brought it down the aisle in their turtle like way. I stood there for a while, like an idiot, staring at my seat while all the other passengers stared at me. I didn’t want people to think that I somehow liked hanging out by the toilets like some old-man-perv. I tried to express my predicament with my eyes to the other passengers looking at time. I would stare at my empty seat and stare at the beverage cart. When at last I could take it no longer, I politely asked the flight attendant if she could move the cart so that I could return to my seat.

She said NO! I tried to explain that I just wanted to sit down and get out of her way. She said I’d have to wait until she finished and that it was my fault I had gotten up out of my seat. OK I said and went back to hanging round the toilets feeling pretty helpless.

And that’s what I figure people really hate about flying. It is the feeling of complete loss of control and helplessness. At least in a car you have some sense of control if you were ever in an accident. In an airplane you don’t. You just sit there with no information, no control, and no idea of what’s going to happen.

I would humbly suggest to the airlines that they may not want their employees adding to this feeling of helplessness.

After about twenty minutes of standing by the toilets feeling embarrassed, I was able to get back to my seat. Keep in mind that I was in seat 898 Z at the back. I couldn’t get a drink or buy a snack as the cart had obviously gone by. My wife told me that the flight attendant had told the other gal working the cart that a passenger had yelled at her to let him by.

For those that know me, know that I don’t yell. It’s just not my way.
Besides it much more satisfying to get even in an altogether different sort of way.

So to the United flight attendant who wouldn’t let me sit down I only have one thing to say: Girl, perhaps it is time they put you out to pasture. And I do literally mean pasture!