Because my training has almost entirely consisted of cramming for the half marathon the week before the race.
Fortunately, I'm in good enough Ironfit shape that I can run the entire race, but you can bet it will not be fast or pretty. So I do the next best thing I can think of for the rest of the race, and that is to make a mental list of the Ten Types of Runners and HERE is part one, and below is part two:
6) The High Five Twister
For some unknown reason to me, the High Five Twister is usually a cute and youngish female runner who looks like she wants to high five every other runner that passes her. Typically her elbows are at about (let's call it ear level) and she twists her body 180 degrees with every step she takes.
Honestly, it hurts just to watch the High Five Twister run. But not her. Even though she contorts her spine into the begins of a DNA double helix strand, you'd never know it by the huge smile on her face.
So yes, while her twisting body rotation and her high elbows create little micro tornadoes along the course, her winning smile and happy attitude says, "I'd win this race if it were only measured by the distance traveled from side to side, instead of straight ahead."
7) The Stink Bomber
Sometimes the pre-race morning meal does not agree with the body in motion. I'm sure in the heat of battle we've all squeezed out a little "poot". But not the Stink Bomber. This guy started farting at the age of one has has since gone to graduate school in the fine art of flatulance.
He's a running toxic obstacle to be avoided at all cost. But the problem is that on the typical crowded marathon course you don't know who he is until it is way too late. By the time you are even aware of the danger, you have been skunked and often you can't even tell who "did it."
Even when you can tell who "did it", you are too focused on trying to just cross the finish line.
Beware: The Stink Bomber is well aware of this fact and he'll use it to spread even more stink bombs along the entire course.
8) The NBA Pro
Every-so-often a runner is born, and at a tragic and early age his brain gets frazzled, usually by a direct hit to head from a misguided basketball, into making him believe that he is in fact not a runner, but an NBA Pro.
Fortunately, these guys, and sometimes even gals, are easy to spot by their uniforms. They tend to favor wearing the full NBA gear over their running gear. Because of this early and tragic childhood accident, they always wear the long basketball shorts over their running shorts.
This is indeed very sad to observe as the basketball shorts hang way down. They hang so far down that they cover their knees, making running a marathon an especially daunting and painful endeavor.
However, on several occasions, like this recent race which was an out and back run along the same road, I have seen a miraculous confluence of events that can only bring pure joy to one's heart.
You see on that rare occasion that the NBA pro passes the High Five Twister, both are in their most natural of elements as one high fives the other in a spectacular show of lucky coincidence.
9) Doctor 90210
Doctor 90210 is almost always a women of that certain age (read well above 30) who has the slender hips of a 15-year-old (I suspect from all of that running) but the enhanced big boobs of a Hollywood Starlet wanna be.
She is usually observed wearing only a sports bra/top with not much else hiding her helium filled boobs. I can only guess that she asked her plastic surgeon to fill them to the brim with 400 cc of helium as her boobs defy gravity, the up and down motion of running, and even time itself.
When one observes closely it can almost be imaged that her buoyant bosoms, and not her, are running the race. They and not (let's say her legs) are the pride and joy of her well worked over body and she wants the entire world to know.
After all she paid almost $10,100 to run this race ($100 for the race entry fee and $5000 per boob).
10) The Gazelle and the Sloth
These two animals are almost never seen together in the wild, but you'll see them at every marathon, in every city of the world. Somehow they strangely compliment each other. They are the yin and yang of the running world.
The Gazelle boldly bounds straight up into the air with every springy step. Image Micheal Jordon on cocaine, steroids, and with a bee in his shorts.
The Sloth shuffles along lifting his or her feet about an ant's toenail length above the ground.
BTW: Do ants even have toenails?
Anyway, the Sloth manages to use just enough energy to slide his or her leg forward to make forward progress.
And here's where the most incredible miracle of all marathons takes place. Some call it divine intervention and see God's wry sense of humor, while others point to the shadow of Darwin and millennium of evolution at play.
But this does not take away in the slightest from the Miracle of the Marathon: as both the Gazelle and the Sloth cross the finish line in the exact same time.
Roman Mica is a amateur Clydesdale triathlete who lives and races in Boulder, Colorado. His most recent book is entitled No, Seriously My Training Begins Tomorrow: The Everyman's Guide to IRONFIT Swimming, Cycling & Running, and is available on Amazon.com.