The other day, while my back was turned and I was asking the sales clerk a question, a small round man absconded with my shopping cart. He just grabbed it and scurried away like a fat hungry weasel with a juicy chicken. So for all the fat hungry weasels in the world, here are Triathlon's Top 15 tips of Important Training Etiquette.
15) There is no passing in lap swimming.
When you share a lane you really have only two choices:
1) Spit the lane or
2) Share the lane.
When you share the lane don’t pass, because until they invent underwater rear view mirrors, I have no idea that you are coming.
14) There is no mid-lane parking in swimming.
If you are halfway down the lane, you should either be swimming or recovering from a cramp. Save the “my cat barfed-up the biggest hairball last night” discussion for the hot tub---PLEEZ.
13) There is no underwater treasure in the pool.
I know that you can find the some of the strangest stuff at the bottom of the pool. From old gum, to funky hairballs, to water soaked Band-Aids, to what I hope are dead bugs and small creatures. Don’t point this out to me. I’ve also seen the dead furry thing out of the corner of my eye and I’m also trying to keep my lips closed as hard as possible.
12) There is no lane splitting in swimming.
When you share a lane stick to your side of that lane.
If you find it hard to stay on one side I have two words for you: “Open” and “Water”
11) There is no road rage in the pool.
Accidents will happen. If by chance when I’m doing the fly and you are doing the breast stroke, and we pass in a tight lane, and I happen to slap you in the ass, and you happen to kick me in the crotch, just keep going.
Perhaps we mutter a few words of apology, but these things happen in lane swimming. I really didn’t mean to grab your ass, and you really didn’t mean to kick me in the crotch. We both should know this, and not use it to start a fight or long term romance.
10) If you have long hair, wear a swim cap.
This goes for both gals and guys.
Have you ever had a 4-foot long slimy hair wrap itself around your neck, through your mouth, and up your nose while swimming? I have and I can promise you that you won’t make your interval, or even finish your lap when you are caught in the tentacles of the human hair squid.
9) No farmers wipe when drafting.
OK, I know that it is almost impossible to properly blow your nose when you are biking. And at he same time, the nose does tend to really run on those cold bike rides. But if you are part of a draft line don’t even think about blowing your nose over your shoulder.
8) You better be able to ride like Lance if you dress like him.
If you are wearing the matching team shorts and jersey with a $300 aero helmet and riding a $10,000 carbon fiber state-of-the-art bike, you better be fast.
Word to the wise: There’s nothing that stands out more on a bike then a rich guy with skinny legs.
* Next Time the remainder of Triathlon's Top 15 tips of Important Training Etiquette.