Here they are a few in no particular order:
1) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
3) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of check.
4) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
5) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
6) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
7) It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.
8) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
9) Never lick a steak knife.
10) A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
10.5) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
OK, I have to be honest, this list cane from one of those emails those goes around but I really liked these so I thought I’d share.
But 10.5 is one that I wish I had learned in 2005. At the end of this tragic year I was at very large national convention, in our trade booth, doing the meet and greet with some of our most important clients. When out of the corner of my eye I saw a very important and long time client. Before anyone of my sales guys could hit me upside the head with a very large shovel, I said congratulations to her. She kind of looked at me with a strange question in her eye.
In for a dime, in for a dollar, I figured so I plowed on, “I mean when is the baby due?” Her face contorted into something between shock and wonder. I was in deep now and slowly starting to register that a 50-plus-year-old women with an enormous beer belly is probably not expecting anything more than her next meal.
At this point I turned bright red and muttered something like, “I’m a complete idiot and imbecile…stammered…so please don’t mind me while my sales team hits me over the head with a giant bowling ball.”
What made the situation even worse, was that she completely understanding and was super nice about the entire comment. I almost wish she had told me to shove my head up my butt, which, by the way, is where I would have stuck it had I been limber enough. Needless to say this long time client no longer uses our services.
With this in mind here are a few more…shall we say sports mistakes…from 2005 that I hope to never repeat:
- Don’t buy a new bike before your big race. You run the risk of 8 flats (see racin’ Wilma) not to mention one of the slowest iron distance race times of the year.
- Milk and any type of sports drink don’t really mix, as I found out during a local half marathon. Running on this mixture of dairy product and salt water will create such a powerful explosive as to jet propel you to every porta-potty on the course.
- Big girls on mountain bikes are surprisingly fast.
- Any race beyond Olympic distance is as much nutrition and mental attitude as training and endurance.
- Endurance athletes are some of best people I know. Thanks to all the athletes who lent a hand, inner tube and air canister when I flatted 8 times during the GFT triathlon. And especially thanks to all the great folks who encouraged my before, during and after the race. You all rock!